


As the Ember Burns

by Merciiful



Category: Naruto
Genre: Character Death, Depression, F/M, Family, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Reincarnation, Self-Insert, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-06-08 00:03:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6830806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merciiful/pseuds/Merciiful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A choice is a promise is a way of life.  A failure to wipe the slate clean and I suddenly know how the world might end.  I never asked for a second chance but there's no point in wasting it now. </p><p>(A Self- Insert OC Story)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Early Childhood Arc: The Woman in the Womb

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Catch Your Breath by Liangnui and Dreaming of Sunshine by Silver Queen.
> 
> A/N: This idea has been rattling around in my head for a while, so I finally got around to working on it. My first time publishing work, so here's to hoping it goes well. Sporadic but dedicated updates. Characters, Pairings, and other Tags to be added as chapters go up. If you think something needs to be tagged, please let me know. Constructive criticism encouraged, I'm constantly looking to better my writing. Enjoy!

On an average day on the floor of an average hotel room, I died.

Nobody noticed.

I was nothing more than a tragic statistic, worth more as a number than a person. I accepted this as the truth of my life early on, when I was diagnosed with depression at the young age of six. It became the first instance of many that my life meant more to those around me when it was pressed two dimensional onto a graph.

I embraced death in a way I had never bothered with life, and I suppose someone out there has a sick sense of humor, because in the moments after I died, I was reborn.

In the most literal meaning of the word. The possibility of reincarnation had seemed possible, if naive, but the general consensus was lack of remembrance of any past lives. I wasn't sure if the idea of holding onto my memories of Before meant this was all some long term hallucination (possible), I was someone special in this rebirth (doubtful), or I was so insignificant I somehow slipped through the cosmic cracks (likely). Regardless, the end result is a highly traumatized newborn squalling in the arms of what seemed to be a giant.

It starts like this.

I'm still in the mindset of my death when I feel a pressure in what must be my head. It's tight and uncomfortable but not too overwhelming, and I'm not claustrophobic enough for this to have any true impact of 'eternal suffering'. So while I'm questioning the methods of whatever higher power is in charge of this vague torture, all of my senses return to me at once. Everything is blurry and I wonder if I've gone blind. Everything is loud and there's someone crying and my lungs feel tight. The sound is overwhelming until all at once I realize I'm the one who is crying, and I suddenly go quiet.

I'm in someone's arms and I can hear them - a soft voice, likely female - whispering to me, but I can't make out what they are saying beyond the fact that it is decidedly not English. I'm jostled around in her arms a bit before being handed off to another person. My eyesight has begun to clear and I can now see I'm being held by a tired but beautiful young woman. There is more going on around us, but I can only see her.

She smiles at me.

"Hiroka-chan," She says, and it's the first word I hear with any clarity. It's my name. My new name, in this new world, with a different language and a beautiful woman who is smiling at me.

In my twenty odd years worth of memories, I can't recall ever being smiled at like that before.

It's something warm and comforting, which is good because at this point a searing pain has started building up in my chest. I can feel it moving inside of me and it hurts. I think I'm dying.

Don't take this away from me. I want to see her smile again.

I start crying again, the pain is too much, and I see the woman - my mother, she has to be my mother - frown and hold me close. She's saying words I don't understand, but I hear my name within it.

Hiroka.

My mother says it like it's something precious, and I hold that feeling close. I allow it to comfort me even as the blinding pain evens out to a dull burning sensation, and I'm able to control my cries once more. She relaxes now that I've stopped crying, and that smile is back. I can sense others in the room, though I'm not sure yet how I know they are there, because no one is talking at the moment.

I feel like I should be freaking out more. I had wanted to die, and now that had been taken from me too. This sort of thing shouldn't be possible, it's a cliché movie, the most overused trope in media, a fantasy. It doesn't really happen.

And yet...

And yet here I am, obviously with memories of a previous (lackluster) life, and an equally disappointing death, and I've never been the type of hero material that usual ends up in these positions. I've always been angry and selfish, the type of person you want to see fail. Maybe this is just another step towards that. Maybe I'm crazier than I thought, and I'm going to wake up in a padded cell within the next few minutes.

Or maybe this is really happening. Maybe I've been reincarnated as the child of this woman, further down the line or maybe somewhere else entirely. If that's true, if this is real, I've been given a second chance. I can be someone else. Someone who isn't a disappointment, someone who is loved.

And if I'm crazy, it's not like I miss out on much by treating this as the real world, right?

I look up at my mother's smile.

And I choose to live.

* * *

My mother's name is Aiko.

I discover her name a few days after my birth, and it's just as beautiful as she is. She laughs like the sun and smiles at the other women who live with her. I think I've never met anyone as happy as Aiko.

I also learn other things about my mother.

I learn that my mother is the Okiya Mother of a high end brothel, a position she acquired shortly after my conception, making my father Aiko's last client.

Oh yeah, I learn my father was one of my mother's clients. I should probably be insulted by it all, but the letdown is actually less than I would have expected, considering how many people here seem to love me. It's a new but wonderful feeling, and I don't mind having the cliché 'my daddy is some guy who pays for sex' background story if I can get everything else with it.

Other than the love and attention, and being able to quickly pick up the language (a bastardized version of Japanese, is the best comparison I can think of), not much happens in the first few months of my new life. I'm coasting along a decent start, and I wonder if my birth parents from Before were as loving as this. I had been in foster care for as long as I could remember, and the only thing I knew about my birth parents were that they died when I was still too young to care.

This time around I plan to hold on as tight as I can to the people that love me.

This vow becomes much more desperate when I'm four months old, and I overhear some of the ladies whispering.

"... Konoha?" Reika says. I still haven't gotten the hang of the language, but that word jolts me into awareness. "...Kyuubi." She has a frown on her face and keeps glancing around like she's not supposed to be talking about this. This barely registers with me though, because I did understand at least one of the words she said. Konoha, as in the Shinobi village?

Nah, must be a coincidence.

"... Yondaime Hokage," Saki says, before everything else she replies with gets lost in translation. They continue to speak, but that's the last of it I understand. That doesn't matter though because what little I heard is still echoing in my head.

That's too much coincidence in a single conversation to overlook.

When I was younger, Before, I tried to find things that made me happy. One of those things was Anime. There were so many different ones, and once I got hooked, it became a way to survive. I would use the new episode of each week as incentive to survive, just that much longer.

One of those Anime I was so into was called Naruto, and it was, admittedly, one of my favorites.

The show started with the Yondaime Hokage sacrificing himself to save Konoha from Kyuubi.

It seems my second chance at life takes place in the world of Naruto.

Well, shit.


	2. Early Childhood Arc: The Sannin in the Brothel

Having the mentality of a twenty-three-year-old woman while in the body of an infant is the ultimate test of patience. For the first eight months of my life, I require the mercy of my mother and the other women to get anything done. I spend too much time in my head, which admittedly, is a problem I had Before as well. I spend as much of the day as I can stay awake straining to listen to conversations. I've yet to understand more than the most basic of sentences, but thankfully my brain seems to soak up the information much easier than I would've expected. Unfortunately, my mouth is unable to form the words I know, so I'm reduced to crying and laughing to indicate my wants.

It's not all struggles though. My mother spends all her free time with me, and the other ladies treat me kind. I haven't had this much attention focused on me for any length of time Before, and it's a pleasant change that I plan to soak up.

The first inner panic attack I truly have is when I'm nine months old. I find out that the Brothel my mother and I call home is located in Kashiwa Village, a small town in the Land of Fire located North East of Konoha. There are no shinobi who live here, though often enough we get clients who are quite obviously ninja, passing through returning from a mission. On one hand, living in a peaceful village isn't the worst thing that could happen - hypothetically I could've been reincarnated in Ame or Oto or somewhere equally horrifying. Despite that optimism, there lies a problem.

I am a girl, born in a civilian town, in a brothel.

As far as anyone is concerned, I have no reason or even the abilities necessary to become a ninja. I will be raised a civilian, live as a civilian, and die as a civilian.

That doesn't sit well with me.

Perhaps it is arrogant to believe I can do any sort of good with the information I have, but knowing the horrors to come, I can't sit by and do nothing.

I have to become a shinobi, no matter what.

That's much easier said than done, of course, so I make it my mission to advance until it's impossible to believe I'm meant to be anything else.

By my first birthday, I'm able to walk. This is apparently a big step, though I'm not sure how advanced any of my progress is. There aren't any other kids around to measure myself against, and so I'm stuck progressing as fast as I can. I begin following Aiko around her office, trying to emulate the same grace she holds. Aiko moves almost soundlessly, and sometimes I wonder what she might've been like if she was a shinobi instead.

When I'm nearly eighteen months old, I'm able to speak clear - if short- sentences. I immediately ask for reading and writing lessons. Reika has taken to teaching me in her free time, and I'm so incredibly grateful the first word I learn to write is her name.

When I'm three years old, I smile at my mother and tell her I want to be a ninja.

It doesn't go how I expect.

"No," she says, so quickly I almost recoil. Aiko immediately reaches out and catches me before I can fall.

"But why not?" I ask. "I want to protect you." Her face softens, and she kneels down in front of me to look into my eyes. I know I'm missing something, because she's never treated the shinobi that come through with anything other than respect.

"Hiroka-chan," she says, and pauses, her head tilting slightly to the side like she can't decide how to approach it. Her thumb taps against my nose and brushes over my left cheek. It is a nervous tick I've noticed she does, and I always wonder why. "You know, you look so much like your father."

I startle and watch her face carefully. I'm not sure how we got from me being a ninja to my father, but I'm not going to stop her. I know absolutely nothing about the man other than he was a client.

"Is he a ninja?" I ask, searching her face for a reaction. Her eyes close for a moment before she smiles.

"Yes," she says. "He is a Leaf Shinobi. A sweet man. You look just like them... Except the eyes. You have my eyes." I already know this. My mother has shocking pink eyes without pupils, and while they seem soft when placed with her pale skin and light hair, they are sharp and exotic on me. I suppose it makes sense that my tan skin and dark hair comes from my father, but I'm still not sure what that matters. So the client who knocked my mom up happened to be a Shinobi. So what?

"Is he bad?" I ask, because a two-year-old playing twenty questions can't be that advanced.

"No, he's not bad... But he was hurt," Aiko says, her thumb swiping across my face again. I realize with startling clarity that she has been tracing the man's facial scar all this time. "Ninja get hurt a lot. I just want you to be safe."

She's lying.

Well, not lying. I can tell she really doesn't want to see me hurt, but that's not why she is so against me becoming a ninja. The fact that she's more willing to talk about my father than my career options is telling all on its own though, so I drop that line of inquiry.

I never tell her about my goal to be a shinobi again.

* * *

One of the things I realize early on is that chakra is literally everywhere. It was always this big thing in the show of course, but it was on such a small scale that living here, feeling it around me, is almost overwhelming. It's in everything. People, plants, even the air. I'm not sure how I can sense everything so clearly, though my best guess is the whole reincarnation thing. Being aware of chakra paths burrowing through my body probably gave me a sensitivity I wouldn't otherwise have had.

Something else I've noticed is that everyone, even the civilians, have a very distinct feel to their chakra. Reika feels like a cool breeze, and Saki reminds me of the fuzz of a dandelion. Aiko... Aiko feels like standing in the eye of a storm. Between the turbulence of her chakra and the near silent way she sometimes moves, I think she would've made a fine kunoichi if not for the civilian levels of chakra settled in her core.

It's a normal day when I'm nearly four years old when I'm struck by the sudden sensation that I'm suffocating. The very air around me suddenly compresses and I stumble where I had been standing in the tea room, gasping for breath. Just as quickly my body adjusts to the sudden fluctuation, and I realize that the sensation was caused by someone's chakra levels.

I stand back up and move to the doorway, peeking around the corner and getting a glimpse of the first familiar character since figuring out what world I am.

Jiraiya is standing in the front room. He's like a giant, and I feel small and insignificant so close to him. His chakra is vast and thick, reminding me of a bog, though not nearly as disgusting. It reaches out and seemingly fills up the room and I realize exactly why he is considered such a threat.

Wait, why is Jiraiya here?

I remember he was considered a pervert in the show, but even so, Kashiwa isn't a very big village, and though it is almost directly between Konoha and the border to the Land of Hot Water, there are plenty more high profile Brothels in the surrounding villages. I suppose he must have been on a mission in the area. But no, he's been wandering around for a while at this point, hasn't he? Is he even still taking missions for Konoha?

"Jiraiya-sama!" I'm jerked out of my thought process by the Aiko's voice. From my vantage point, I see my mother walk out of her office to greet the Sannin. Hey voice sounds genuine, and that's throwing alarms up in my mind.

Why would my mother know Jiraiya?

As I'm pondering this, Jiraiya turns and looks directly at my hiding place, a knowing smile on his face, before turning to my mother and taking her hand.

"Aiko-san, it's good to see you. Still as beautiful as ever, hm?" He laughs, loudly, and if it weren't for the calculated pressure of his chakra, I would believe him to be just some friend come to visit. Instead, all I can think is that Jiraiya is a spymaster for Konoha.

Why would he be here? What does this have to do with my mother?

She's smiling and gesturing for him to follow her into the office. Jiraiya winks at me before turning to follow her. "You know," I hear him say, his voice suddenly quiet and serious, "If you haven't talked to the girl yet..."

"No," Aiko quickly cuts him off, equally hushed. "It's too dangerous."

"It might be more dangerous to keep her in the dark, Aiko-san, but it's your life I suppose." Anything else that might've been said is cut off as the office door is shut. I won't be getting any more info from that conversation then.

The girl, Jiraiya had said. Did he mean me? Is my mother hiding something from me? It seems like an impossibility. If my mother has no problem letting me know that I'm the product of, essentially, prostitution, what kind of thing would be secret worthy? She's just a civilian, for Kami's sake. Nothing should warrant secret conversations with Jiraiya the Legendary Sannin.

Besides, the thought that my mother would hide something from me? Well, that really stings.

I slide down against the wall until I hit the floor, tucking my knees up under my chin. I'm still there almost half an hour later when the door to Aiko's office opens again, and the two of them walk out. There's a tight - fake, fake, so _fake_ \- smile on my mother's face, and Jiraiya doesn't seem to even be bothered with pretenses, a concerned look in his eye.

"I should be going, I have research to be done," Jiraiya says, bouncing back into his lecherous persona with ease. Aiko laughs and gestures to the front door.

"Of course, Jiraiya-sama. Travel well." They are heading for the front, and Jiraiya is going to leave. He's my only connection to the canon storyline and my best bet to becoming a ninja.

Before I'm consciously aware of it, I'm stumbling out of my hiding place and heading over to them.

"Wait!" I say, skidding to a stop at their feet. A glance at my mother, and I quickly bow my head to Jiraiya. "Excuse me Shinobi-san. I was hoping... I mean.." I swallow nervously. He is watching me carefully, and my mother is already making half aborted movements as if to drag me away. I take a deep breath and push out all at once, "Pleaseteachmetobeaninja."

"Hiroka-chan!" Aiko snaps, reaching out and placing her hands on my shoulders. She squeezes tightly, almost threatening in their intensity. "I am so sorry, Jiraiya-sama, she has this notion about being a ninja. I've already told her that she can't but she doesn't understand quite yet." I'm a little offended by the implication that I'm so slow on the uptake, but it's true. I don't understand why I can't be a ninja. Obviously the fact that I can sense chakra means I have at least some predisposition, right? It shouldn't be so difficult to get me training. Jiraiya laughs and waves his hands in a slight warding off gesture.

"It's quite alright, Aiko-san. No harm done. Though..." He leans down to properly look at me. "I'm curious as to what gave me away as a shinobi." I half wanted to say 'duh, have you looked in the mirror?', but honestly, if I hadn't already known who he was or felt his chakra, he would've easily been written off as an eccentric old pervert.

Wow, this guy is _good_.

"Your chakra," I say, because 'I read a story and you were an important character' probably wouldn't do me any favors. Regardless, he looks surprised at my answer for about half a second, before throwing yet another knowing look at my mother. I glance back and see that Aiko is white as a sheet. "Mom?" I ask, reaching to grab her arm. "Are you alright?" She blinks a few times before the color returns to her face.

"Of course, sweetie. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just tired." Lies, lies, why is she lying to me? What is she hiding?

"Okay," I say, instead of the dozens of questions I really want to voice. I'm supposed to be too young to pick up on these queues, and I'm already cutting it close with Jiraiya right here. I turn back to Jiraiya, leaning forward and rearranging my face into a childish wide eyes expression. "So? Can you, please?"

"I'm sorry, kid," Jiraiya says, and to his credit, he sounds like he truly is. "But your mom is right. I can't teach you." He obviously doesn't believe the words coming out of his own mouth, but for some reason, he apparently respects my mother enough to ignore my apparent chakra sensing talent.

"That's okay," I say. I tune out as Aiko and Jiraiya finish their goodbyes, and shortly after that, he's gone, along with what might have been my only chance to get where I need to be. Aiko turns me towards her, kneeling down next to me.

"You know that I love you, right Hiroka-chan?" she asks. She peers directly into my eyes, her hands squeezing my shoulders again, though in a much more comforting gesture than before. "I only want what's best for you."

"I know, Mom," I say. I do know that, it's obvious in every moment she spends with me. Aiko smiles softly and pulls me into a tight hug.

"I love you, Hiroka-chan," she says.

"I love you too, Mom."

I just wish I knew what you're hiding from me.


	3. Early Childhood Arc: The Tragedy at the Home

"I am so jealous of your hair," Saki says. We are sitting on my bed and she's brushing out my hair. At five years old it has already grown almost to my waist.

"But yours is so much prettier," I say. It's true, at least to me. Where my hair is a brown dark enough to only be a few shades shy of black, her hair is a sky blue. It was jarring for the first few months of my life, but by now it's nothing more than slight envy. I mean, I get reborn into a universe with people who come by crazy hair colors naturally, and I end up with brown.

At least I have the whole pupiless fuchsia eyes thing going for me.

"Nonsense," she says. "Your hair doesn't even require any product to lay perfectly flat! You know how many of the girls here would kill for hair like that? You are very lucky, Hiroka-chan." I learned early on in life that Saki loves hair, and loves playing with hair. It's one of the best incentives to keep my hair long, because I now know some pretty awesome hair styles, some of which can be useful to keep long hair even as a kunoichi.

This is how I've been spending the majority of my days, actually. Learning normal civilian things and figuring out how to apply them to the life of a ninja. Not that I'd tell my mother that, of course. She still avoids any conversation that even hints at the possibility of me becoming a shinobi, and she hasn't mentioned anything more about my father since the first time.

That one isn't so surprising though. I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually know much more about him than what she told me.

Out of the corner of my sensing range (which keeps getting bigger despite not having any training) six chakra signatures appear, moving quickly. They are coming in directly toward the brothel, and the feel of their chakra itches.

Not killing intent, but close. Dangerous.

I'm not sure what here is worth that kind of lethal force, but I don't intend to find out.

"Saki-san, there are ninja coming this way. They are moving really fast." My worry bleeds through into my words, but that works in my favor when Saki immediately drops the brush and stands up. She grabs my hand and tugs me out the door. We run quickly down the stairs, and I wonder why she didn't bother to question me. Saki skids to a stop outside Aiko's office and starts banging on the door.

"Aiko-san, quickly. They found you!" she says. Wait what? They are after my mom?

The door opens and Aiko steps out, a dark look in her eyes.

"Saki-san, take Hiroka and go. Take her to Konoha, you will be welcome there."

I open my mouth, ready to ask what the hell is happening, but Saki is already tugging on my hand, trying to pull me out the front door. I don't want to go though. Is Aiko expecting us to leave her? Saki yanks me hard enough to pull me off balance, hissing "Hurry," in a terrified voice.

(It echoes in her chakra. She's floating away, my hand is all that's grounding her.)

Reika is coming up the walkway as we are running out the door. Saki calls out a warning to her a moment too late and Reika falls forward with a stunned look on her face.

There's a kunai sticking out of her back.

"No. No no..." I'm repeating it under my breath. She's dead, they killed her, and I can feel them around us but we still can't see them. Saki jerks me closer to her side and breaks into a run.

"Don't stop, Hiroka!" she says. "We have to keep running!" But how can a couple civilians outrun ninja?  


Behind me is a flair up of chakra, dark and eerily calm, and as it flairs up one of the original six signatures snuffs out. I glance behind me.  


The new chakra belongs to Aiko.

It's large, not nearly as large as Jiraiya's had been but obviously a shinobi's reserves, and it was being manipulated by my mother.

How had she hidden this power for so long. Why?

One of the ninja takes advantage of my confusion and leaps out in front of us. There's a round mask on his face, with the symbol for the hidden mist village carved into it. Kiri Hunter-Nin.

The thought that Aiko is important enough for Hunter-Nin to come kill her is strange enough. The idea that they would risk coming this far into the Land of Fire?

Who the hell is my mother, really?

Saki shoves me behind her, drawing herself to full height. She's a civilian, and she must know there's no way she can hold off against these men for even a moment... And yet she doesn't hesitate to protect me.

It's a meaningful if useless gesture, because the Kiri throws a single kunai at Saki, and it buries itself into her throat. She falls backwards, and I only just manage to move out of the way and avoid her body falling on top of me.

The Kiri readies another kunai.

I close my eyes.

"Water Shuriken Jutsu!"

Water splashes against my face and I open my eyes to see the kunai fall harmlessly to the ground into a puddle of water. Aiko is advancing on the Kiri, who turns to engage her, his own hands quickly coming together.

"Water Style: Liquid Bullets," Aiko says, and _spits_ , a large ball of water emerging from her mouth and tearing through his throat in a morbid parody of Saki's wound.

"Get to Konoha!" Aiko shouts, her hands blurring as she forms more hand signs. The water already in the road drags back together in the form of small projectiles, launching at one of the Kiri nin. Three of the water bullets bore into the Kiri's chest, and he drops to the ground. I don't want to leave her. I can't lose her.

"Hiroka!" she screams at me, and then throws herself in front of me, stumbling to her knees.

"Mom?" I ask hesitantly, reaching out. She's breathing heavy and her body is trembling, from pain or adrenaline I can't tell. She sways to the side and I get a good look at her neck. Four senbon are sticking out of the side of her throat. Her chakra feels sick. Poison. She's been poisoned and there's nothing I can do.

There's only three ninja left, but I can't defend myself and my mother is too weak to do much more. She keeps glancing into the trees on the outskirts of the village.

"Please, go. Live," she says weakly, before stumbling toward the ninja. Her hands shakily clasp together as she attempts to dredge up the necessary chakra for another jutsu.

She's going to die. I know this, and I know she knows this. If I stay, this is for nothing. Reika. Saki... All for nothing.

I take one more look at Aiko before I turn in the direction she looked to...

And I run.


	4. Early Childhood Arc: The Journey of the Survivor

I've been running for about twenty minutes when Aiko's chakra signature disappears.

I stumble and fall to my knees with the grief, but I can't take the time to mourn properly. Not yet, anyway. I need to escape, which is easier said than done. A five year old with no endurance training against three experienced ninja isn't really a contest.

Make that two ninja. There are only two signatures following me, which means Aiko managed to take one more with her. The remaining two are moving at a slower pace than should've been necessary, and I hope that means they are injured.

I force myself to my feet and push forward, moving as fast as I can.

For the next hour or so, I don't gain any ground. I don't lose any either, which leads credence to the injured theory. It's starting to get dark, and I hope that works in my favor.

I may only be a child, but they are both moving slowly, and are absolutely positively injured. (Because how else am I still alive?)

That puts me at an advantage.

I keep moving.

At some point in the night, I realize that the chakra signatures of the two hunter-nin are slowing down. I'm not sure why they have suddenly decided to stop giving chase, at least not until I realize there are two other chakra signatures moving away from my location in a sure pattern.

Border patrol.

That means I'm now close enough to Konoha that - apparently - the Kiri nin aren't going to risk pursuing me.

I've made it.

Now it's just a matter of actually getting to Konoha, and hoping that they actually welcome me. That shouldn't be too difficult, right? On one hand, I'm five. On the other... Wasn't Kakashi also five when he was deemed fit to be a ninja?

Ok, so maybe smooth sailing from here isn't guaranteed.

That's not something I can worry about at the moment though. The Kiri nin might have decided to fall back for now, but for all I know, they could decide to risk it at any moment. I have no idea why they are after me, or why they were after Aiko.

For now, all I can do is keep moving.

Soon I will need to find a source of water. I should be fine without food for a couple days, but with how much I have been pushing my body, I'm already dehydrated. Water tends to have a very distinct chakra signature, and has always almost seemed to... Sing to me, for lack of a better term. After seeing Aiko's water jutsu, I think I wouldn't be surprised to find out my chakra affinity is water.

I hesitantly cast out my chakra, searching for the familiar feel. At the same time, I keep watch for signs of more shinobi. Using my chakra like this creates a beacon for any other sensor in the area to follow, and the odds of hunter-nin being sensors are pretty high.

There, about four hundred feet in front of me, slightly off to the left. A small stream of running water. I carefully release my hold on my senses and start walking in the correct direction. Though I'd rather lay down and go to sleep, it's a relief to be able to slow down and take my time. I hope no one else is in the area, but I should be safe if the border patrol only just recently passed.

I make it to the stream without any problems, and drop down to my knees at the edge. The water is cool on my tongue, and welcome relief for my parched throat.

It takes nearly twenty minutes of slow drinking until I feel hydrated enough to move. I'm exhausted at this point, but I can't afford to rest until I'm close enough to Konoha that there isn't even the smallest chance of the Kiri nin looping around.

I stagger to my feet, and begin to walk once more.

Eventually, I'm close enough to Konoha to see the vague outline of what I believe to be the outer wall in the distance. If I rest now, I can make it there by midday tomorrow. Then all I have to do is convince all the super paranoid people there that I mean no harm. Also that apparently my father is living in those walls. There's no way he knows that I exist, which opens up the realization of a whole new problem. Is there a way for them to figure out who my father is? Will he actually care, or will I end up in the Konoha orphanage? Oh shit, is Naruto still in the orphanage at this point?

Does any of this actually matter?

I finally get a chance at having some sort of happy life, with a mother who loves me, and it's taken away in a matter of minutes. Maybe it was foolish to believe everything would be perfect, after all I did get reborn into a world where murder is normalized, but still...

I thought...

Well, it doesn't matter what I thought, because apparently it was a lie. Aiko was keeping secrets from me. A pretty big, 'Oh by the way, I'm actually a fucking bad-ass shinobi' kind of secret. And she had the nerve to tell me I could never be a ninja! Unbelievable.  


Something drips onto my clenched fist. I glance down and scowl at the offensive liquid.

It's a tear.

Why am I crying? She lied to me. Aiko lied. Aiko's lies got Reika and Saki killed.. Aiko.. My mom..

My mom died for me.

I bite down on my bottom lip to keep my crying silent, afraid of who I might alert otherwise. It's easy to drop down at the base of a tree and curl into the decent sized groove nestled into the trunk, curling my body in on itself and just letting the grief wash over me. My body is shaking.

I'm alone once again.

Eventually I run out of tears, leaving me exhausted and my chest in pain from the strain. I tilt my head back against the bark, taking comfort in the chakra signature that is exclusive to the Hashirama trees. I sink into it, feeling slightly disconnected.

It lulls me to sleep.

* * *

When I jerk awake, I glance around in suspicion.

Something pulled me from my sleep, and it's still dark out, so it wasn't any sort of internal clock. I cast out my chakra... And then abruptly pull it back in, as tight to my core as I can.

A team of four shinobi are in the trees not nearly far enough away from my location. They are paused, and seem to be looking around for something.

Or someone.

Shit, did they sense me? I wish I could just assume that the team are completely legitimate leaf shinobi, but after the week I've had, a healthy dose of paranoia is a reasonable reaction in this situation. I'm not even sure that having completely legitimate leaf shinobi find me is even a good thing, considering I still very well be considered a threat.

Oh please, don't see me as a threat.

I'm practically holding my breath, nearly trembling with the strain of holding my chakra close. I shouldn't have any true reserves at my age, but whatever allows me to so clearly sense everyone else is bound to have affected my own chakra in some way.

The downside of retracting my chakra so completely is that I can no longer sense others, and so I'm taken by surprise when four people drop down out of the trees.

They land in front of me and I flinch back before I can help myself. They are all wearing white masks, and all I can see for a minute are the hunter nin. Reinforcements? But no, these masks are animal masks, and I realize that the shinobi who discovered me are ANBU.

"Hello," the ANBU directly in front of me says, and he squats down to get closer to my level. He is wearing a dog mask, and there's a faint glimpse of silver hair peaking behind it, almost lost under a black hood.

Of fucking course the leaf shinobi to find me would be Hatake Kakashi.

The other three are all around him, and a quick glance reveals a crow mask, a tiger mask, and... Is that a badger? The Badger ANBU has one of the most comforting chakra signatures I've ever felt, and I sway forward before righting myself. It reminds me of syrup, slow and warm. It contrasts nicely against Kakashi's chakra, which is quick and jumpy, like static. The ANBU with the tiger mask seems to blend in with the natural chakra around us, and I worry that maybe my sensing is messing up due to exhaustion. No, that's not right. It's blending in because their chakra is almost exactly that the Hashirama trees.

So apparently I've been found by both Kakashi and Tenzou.

What a great start.

And the fourth ANBU's chakra...

It's so _cold._

The more I try to focus on it, the more it hurts, and when I try to pull back my own chakra it reaches out, like it's desperate not to be alone. Who is this? They are so lonely, and the echo of their pain is so strong it's affecting their chakra, affecting _me._

(Who can survive so alone?

"Are you alright?" Kakashi asks, his voice even despite the way his chakra flairs in alarm. I start to answer with a yes, of course I'm alright, but I realize I'm shaking. The Crow ANBU's chakra must be strong enough to connect to my own, even unintentionally. It seems to be tricking my body into believing I'm cold. I'm getting dizzy, but I struggle to stay upright and alert. It doesn't matter that these ANBU don't seem to view me as a threat. It doesn't matter that the one reaching out to me is one of the main characters from the canon. I still cannot trust that I will wake back up. I can't trust that if I do wake up, it will be anywhere other than the depths of T&I.

I'm scared.

In the end, the combination of the stress of the last few days combined with Crow's chakra is more than my body can handle. Kakashi reaches out to catch me as I pitch forward, and the last thing I see is the porcelain image of a dog.


	5. Early Childhood Arc: The Beginning of a New Life

I wake up and immediately am on alert. As I open my eyes, the first thing I see is white. White everywhere. This is actually slightly comforting.

I doubt T&I is white.

I'm most likely in the hospital.

There are two chakra signatures not far in front of me. Both are familiar. They belong to Kakashi, and the one who's chakra feels like syrup. So they've given me ANBU guards.

For my protection, or theirs?

After a moment my eyesight overcomes the sudden stress of white, and I'm able to look around. I'm in a bed, with an IV sticking out of my arm, though luckily there are no other machines attached to me. The walls are plain, and an open door to my left shows a glimpse of what must be the bathroom. The only other door in the room is closed, and situated right in front of me. The two ANBU are directly on the other side of it.

I consider calling out to them, but decide against it. I should take the little time I have before someone comes in to figure out what to say. If I can, I need to avoid letting a Yamanaka inside my head. I can't risk them seeing anything from Before. That's just asking for trouble. So the best option would then be to explain everything else, right? Aiko had told me to go to Konoha, that I'd be safest here. If I was really five years old, then I'd most likely take her at her word and have no problem telling whoever comes to question me all about the 'evil shinobi in the white masks.'

So, I tell them about the attack. I tell them about Aiko's big reveal.

I should probably mention that my father is probably somewhere in this village.

Do they have paternity tests in this world? They already do some pretty crazy shit with DNA, so blood tests of that nature doesn't really seem that farfetched. I wonder if my dad is canon.

Oh wow, what kind of thought is that?

Of course my dad is 'canon', he's real. If the past few days have taught me anything, it's that just because the main characters had a shitty time of it, doesn't mean all the nameless cannon fodder aren't equally important. I mean, I'm cannon fodder in this world, aren't I?

Great, now is the _perfect_ time to have an identity crisis. Pull yourself together, woman!

I manage to calm myself down with perfect timing, because I can sense three distinct chakra signatures on the other side of the door heading at a leisurely pace in my direction. The one standing in the middle is the strongest, the chakra shining almost like a beacon. It feels like standing next to a campfire. One of the other chakra signatures is cool to the touch, like standing in the shade. And the last chakra signature is reacting to my own, seemingly adjusting itself into a comforting presence.

So another chakra sensor then, most likely.

I'm guessing the signatures belong to the Hokage, Nara Shikaku, and (probably) Yamanaka Inoichi. That makes the most sense, right?

The door opens and three men walk in. One is wearing the Hokage's attire, and the other two are standing on either side of him. One of them - the other sensor - steps forward with a small smile.

"Hello. My name is Yamanaka Inoichi. This is Nara Shikaku, and of course, Hokage-sama," he says.

Hah. Nailed it.

"Hello," I reply hesitantly. "I'm Hiroka." I'm in the presence of arguably three of the most honorable people in this village, but that doesn't mean much here. I'm not part of the village. Yet.

One can hope.

Inoichi apparently decides that there's no point wasting anyone's time, and immediately starts our conversation (interrogation, really. Child standard, I'm sure) with, "Alright, Hiroka-chan, you seemed pretty beaten up when our people found you. Do you mind telling us what happened?"

I nod slowly, chewing on my bottom lip. I need to explain everything the way a scared five year old civilian actually would. That shouldn't be too hard. Right?

"My home was attacked by ninja," I start hesitantly. "My mom told me to come to Konoha, that I'd be safe here." Inoichi nods along with my words, before humming to catch my attention.

"And where are you from?" he asks.

"Kashiwa village," I say. He doesn't react, but I notice the Hokage and Shikaku share a glance. I hope that was a right answer. It's the truth, and it should mean something that I'm from a Land of Fire village.

"Hiroka-chan, is there anything you can tell me about these ninja that attacked your home?" Inoichi asks. He is radiating calm, his chakra reaching out to soothe. Despite this, there is a new tension in the air.

Oh, right. Hostile ninja attacked a village that is arguably fairly close to Konoha.

I can't outright say 'Kiri Hunter-nin', because there's no way I can explain away why I would recognize them. So I do the next best thing.

"They had masks," I say, "A bit like the ninja who found me, except they were all the same. White masks with slits at the eyes and four squiggly lines on their forehead." Inoichi sighs sadly in recognition.

"That's good, Hiroka-chan," he says softly. "That helps. Do you know what they were after?"

This one is more difficult. It's all idle speculation. They were obviously after my mother, and then they tried to follow me, despite there being plenty of other people in the village. The attack was definitely personal.

"I think... I think they were after me," I say. "Well, my mom and I at least. My mom... She..." I trail off. My mother was a shinobi. Hunter-nin are supposedly a group of ninja created specifically to hunt down rogue ninja from Kiri. That means...

My mother was a nukenin? There has to be more to it than that. What shinobi runs away just to become a glorified prostitute?

"She used jutsu against them," I say after a moment, looking down at my hands. I'm scared to see their faces, but it's important not to lie here. "I didn't know... I thought she was... I mean, she's my mom." Wow, I'm nailing this explanation thing. Apparently awkward attempts at communication carries on after rebirth.

I could've appreciated my new life without that, thanks.

Luckily, Inoichi just nods in understanding. "Of course," he says. "She probably wanted to protect you."

Yeah, the whole dying so I could escape thing really gave that away, thanks. I don't say that, of course, instead simply chewing on my bottom lip.

What? It's a nervous habit.

"Why do you think your mother wanted you to come here?" Inoichi asks after a moment. I blink, not sure I understand the question. It's a village full of ninja that can potentially protect me from the Kiri nin, right? Isn't that obvious?

"Well," I say, drawing out the word hesitantly, "My mom told me my father was a leaf shinobi. Maybe she thought I could find him? Other than that I think she just guessed that this was the safest place I could be."

"Alright," Inoichi says. "We'll be right back, Hiroka-chan." He turns with a nod to the others and they all step out of the room. I know they are talking about me, probably deciding whether my word is enough or if Inoichi is going to take a leisurely stroll though my head, and I want to listen in. I don't know how to enhance my hearing yet though, and the only other way I can possibly spy is to read their general mood through their chakra. However, Inoichi is a sensor as well.

That wouldn't end well.

I settle for staring at the door and trying to will them into deciding that I'm totally harmless.

They are only out there a few minutes longer before the door opens and Inoichi and the Hokage come back in.

"You said your mother told you that your father was a leaf shinobi. Do you know anything else about him?" Inoichi asks. I'm surprised he's asking. They want to know? Will they tell him he has a daughter, or is this a way to make sure I don't have some super awesome bloodline before they make a decision on what to do with me?

Do I even want to find out who my dad is? What if he's a dick? Oh god, what if he's one of the bad guys? Worse, what if he's already dead? I was born shortly before the Kyuubi attack. There's always a chance he fell during it. Do I really want to get my hopes up on the off chance of getting another chance at family?

That question has an obvious answer at least.

"Well, I don't know his name. I'm fairly certain my mother didn't know his name either." I chew of my bottom lip. What could narrow down the possible candidates?

Oh, right.

"Um, it might not help much, but when my mom talked to me about him, she would trace over my face, like this." I demonstrate by pulling my thumb from the bridge of my nose to sweep over my left cheek in a wide arc. The Badger ANBU's chakra flickers in what I think might be recognition.

Huh, maybe that does narrow it down?

"Thank you," Inoichi says with a small smile. "That actually does help quite a bit."

I'm not sure how much I believe that. Facial scars seem pretty common for a ninja, but maybe the position of it is fairly unusual? Not like I've met many ninja at this point.

"What happens now?" I ask, because there's no way they will just leave me alone while they figure out who my father is. Inoichi glances over to the Hokage, before focusing back on me.

"Now, you relax and focus on healing, alright?" That's a dismissal if I've ever heard one. I nod dutifully, and he reaches out to pat my hand before turning around and heading for the door.

"Rest well, Hiroka-chan," the Hokage says with a kind smile. He turns and leaves with the others, and I'm left alone once more.

Well, except for the ANBU guards still chilling out on the other side of the door.

Guess there's nothing else to do but wait until they decide what they are going to do with me.

* * *

"You know, I always thought that if anyone would end up with the illegitimate kid, it would be me," a voice says from somewhere close by.

"Shut up, Genma," another voice hisses in return. "This isn't something to joke about."

"I think this is exactly the thing to joke about, Rai," The first voice, Genma, says. I recognize the name, but not nearly as much as I recognize his chakra. It's the almost sweet syrupy chakra that the Badger ANBU had. The other chakra signature isn't one I consciously recognize, but somehow is familiar. The only way I can think to describe it is...

Safe.

I open my eyes and look in the direction of the voices.

Genma is standing to the side in a casual slouch, a senbon dangling from his lips. I vaguely remember him as a supporting character in the show. The other chakra signature belongs to a man who is standing next to Genma with his back to me.

"She's a kid," he's saying. "I have no idea what to do with a kid." Genma snorts.

"It's my general knowledge that you just take care of them. Love 'em, feed 'em, all that." He winks at me and nods his head. "Also, she's awake. 'Sup kid?"

I start to sit up, even as the other man turns around in surprise.

I freeze.

The man - Raidou, something in my mind says in remembrance - has brown hair only about half a shade lighter than mine. We have the exact same skin tone. The same nose.

_You look just like your father._

There is a scar that starts at his nose and spreads out along his left cheek, in the exact pattern Aiko would trace.

"You're him," I blurt out before I can stop myself. "You're my father, aren't you." It's not even a question. I instinctively know he is. Raidou flushes and rubs the back of his neck.

"Yes, I am. It's nice to meet you, Hiroka-chan," he says. "My name is Namiashi Raidou, and this is Shiranui Genma."

"Yo," Genma says with a wave of his hand.

"Hi," I answer absentmindedly, still staring at Raidou. "But wait, how did they find you so quickly? It's not like I had a name or anything..." I trail off. Raidou is looking decidedly awkward.

"Quickly? You've been asleep for nearly twenty-four hours, kid," Genma says. "Besides, contrary to popular belief, there aren't actually that many ninja here with facial scars like you described that fit the correct age range. There were maybe four possibilities."

Well then.

This is better than to be expected. My dad is one of the good guys, which was really only about a sixty percent possibility for a while there. On top of that, he didn't freak out when he found out about me.

Instead, he came to see me.

"What happens to me now?" I ask. I might have found my father, but that doesn't guarantee anything. I don't want to push myself on him. Just the fact that he came by to meet me is enough really, but I have nowhere to go. The orphanage maybe?

"Well, you are my daughter," Raidou says. "So you'll stay with me. It won't take much to start the paperwork for you to officially take my name..." He trails off when he notices I'm just staring at him.

"What?" I ask. It doesn't compute. I'm the product of a single, _paid for_ , night, and he wants to adopt me?

"Well, I mean, only if you want to of course," he says, and he looks afraid, like he's actually concerned I'm going to say no. I don't remember too much about Raidou from the show, but I always thought it was implied that he always had a rather calm no-nonsense attitude. Obviously that doesn't translate off the battlefield, because he seems to actually be blushing in embarrassment.

"No!" I say quickly, reaching out for him. I pause and take a deep breath, pulling my hand back. "I mean, I would like that, really." I already lost Aiko. Having more family thrown at me so quickly, another place to potentially belong...

I'm not passing that up.

"Oh.. Oh good," Raidou says, clearing his throat. Oh my god, he's as awkward as I am.

Good to know it apparently runs in the family.

It takes a little more than three hours, but I'm finally walking out the front doors and seeing Konoha for the first time.

It's just as overwhelming as I imagined it would be.

I've spent my entire life in this world in a small village where everyone knows everyone, and Before, I actively avoided populated areas. Konoha is...

Alive.

It's already midday, and there are people everywhere.

"Are you alright?" Raidou asks. He and Genma are standing on either side of me in a lose formation that I suspects mimics some sort of protection formation for missions.

It's actually kind of adorable, and I feel oddly flattered that they believe I deserve such treatment.

"Yes," I say, looking around. "I've just never seen this many people in one place. It's amazing." Raidou grins at me.

"Glad you like it," he says.

I begin to follow them down a main street. They are walking slow enough that I can continue to take everything in.

Nearly an hour passes before we get to Raidou's house. It probably would've only taken about fifteen minutes, but I spend the entire time stopping every other step to look at something new. Thankfully, Raidou and Genma humor my constant distraction.

"Well," Genma says, "I'll be heading home now. See ya, Rai. Hiroka-chan." He nods to me and clasps a hand on Raidou's shoulder before turning and _jumping_ onto the roof across the street.

Show off.

"Woah," I say. "That's so cool!"

I never claimed it wasn't effective.

Raidou laughs and gestures for me to follow him inside.

"So, this is home." he says, closing the door as I step past him. It's a nice place, bigger than I'd expect from a single man. Raidou must be able to read the question on my face because he grins sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"This was my parents place," he says in explanation. I nod in understand and quickly reach down to take off my shoes so I can explore.

"Your room will be the second door on the right," he says, gesturing down the hall. I take off in that direction with a quick "Thanks!" throw behind me.

My new room is plain but nice. Nothing but a bed and dresser are in it, which is actually perfect. A canvas waiting to be painted, so to speak.

"You can decorate however you want," Raidou says from the kitchen as I walk back out to join him.

"Thank you so much," I say. "This is amazing."

"You'll start at the Academy fairly soon, I'd imagine. You are at the right age for it after all." He suddenly pauses and turns to look at me, a slightly guilty expression on his face.

"I mean," he says, "If you want to, I mean. You can always go to the civilian school. I don't... Do you want to be a ninja?" I stare up at him in awe. Raidou had just assumed I'd be a ninja like him. He didn't doubt or question my abilities. He believes I can make it without any hesitation.

I feel one of the most genuine smiles in days split across my face.

"More than anything," I say.


	6. Academy Arc: The Students in the School

They start me at the Academy Two weeks later. 

They offered to let me take longer before starting, a chance to adjust to my new home and family, but I have been waiting for this since I first realized where I had ended up when I was reborn.

Of course, as excited as I am, Raidou has been freaking out.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait a few more weeks? You've only just got a routine started," Raidou says, for the umpteenth time. I sigh and take the bento box he's holding out for me. 

"Yes, I am absolutely sure. I've been absolutely sure every time you've asked," I say. He startles, glancing at me strangely, before shaking it off and turning away. I've become used to this reaction in the past couple weeks. I'm not able to completely filter what would be an appropriate response from a little kid, and it sometimes bleeds through. Luckily, ages in this universe seems to be pretty subjective in terms of development, and Raidou tends to look at me like he's wondering where my brains came from. 

Genma fondly calls me 'a weird kid' when he thinks Raidou isn't in earshot.

Ah, Genma.

He seems to always be over at Raidou and I's house, despite supposedly having his own place. He claims that he only spends time here because our fridge is always stocked.

I figured out within three days of living here that Raidou and Genma are a couple. I wonder how long it will take for them to come clean.

Speaking of Genma, the man is currently sitting at our kitchen table, smirking at our exchange. He doesn't bother arguing on my behalf, just grins at my exasperation.

Asshole.

"Alright," Raidou says. He now has his blade, Kokutou, slung across his back. "Ready to go?" Despite his reservations, he seems at ease now. It makes sense, since he's been on a vacation from missions while the adoption paperwork went through. Now that I'm starting at the Academy, he no longer needs to be available every second of the day.

He seems happier like this, despite his hovering.

"Yep," I say, turning to follow him out the front door. Before I exit, I quickly turn and stick my tongue out at Genma, who huffs in exaggerated offense.

Being a kid again really has its perks.

The walk to the Academy is... Slow. I'm pretty sure Raidou is actively taking as long as possible to get there, though I'm not entirely sure why. He's taken this whole parenting thing rather well, all things considered, but he's a natural when it comes to a parent's over protectiveness.

My first experience with it was Aiko, and having someone else so clearly care for me despite not having an obligation to...

It's rather nice.

I want to take the feeling and bottle it, because I've quickly realized how much I can't predict here. Aiko didn't exist in the show, and Raidou certainly never had a kid. Who knows what else will change, even without any interference. (And I do plan to interfere. Too many bad decisions were made for the sake of Plot. I refuse to let these people make the same choices.)

To my left I notice Raidou continuously glancing at me out of the corner of his eye as we walk. I pretend not to notice, mostly because why would I? He's not being obvious about it and there is no anomaly with his chakra. 

And yet, he seems on edge. I wonder if it's simply more of his hovering, or if he has a mission he's thinking about. Unfortunately I'm too young to be able to honestly pull off knowing that Raidou is on edge, especially since I haven't known him long enough to realistically pick up any tells a child would use, so I just keep my mouth shut. He would tell me if I needed to know, right?

"Hiroka-chan." I'm jerked out of my thoughts by Raidou's voice, and I look up at him in surprise. He smiles softly and gestures in front of us. 

"We're here," he says, and I follow his gaze to land on a large building. The Academy seems to be about three stories tall, and we've walked right into a large open courtyard. Rising up behind the Academy is the Hokage tower, casting shadows over the clearing where other children and their families are gathered. Kids are already meeting up with their friends, laughing and playing. Parents are chatting with each other, standing to the side. I spot Inoichi talking to a larger man that must be Akamichi Chouza. 

We must be waiting on the teachers for orientation or something.

I look around as we wait, wondering at how many children there are. Rationally, I knew there had always been more than just the main nine in the class - I vaguely remember other people there, bland in the background of the show, - but it's different now. I wonder what happens to all the other kids who don't pass the weird team tests. They can't be all held back, there are too many fully fledged ninja running around for there to only be nine graduates per year. A more general corps then, if they aren't good enough to specialize? Maybe only the ones with specific senseis can ever make Elite status. That would... Actually make a lot more sense, now that I think about it.

We've all been lingering for a few minutes when the noise is redirected and all the adults along with most of the children turn to the entrance doors. A line of people in chunin attire are walking out, and I blink in recognition of one of them.

And then proceed to do a double take.

Umino Iruka is one of the most unassuming, deceptive people I've ever met. When all the teachers walk out, I'm hit with a burst of chakra, the majority of it stemming from a specific source. It takes me longer than I care to admit to realize that the source _is_ Iruka.

His chakra is _insane._

Maybe that's an exaggeration. I've actually already met quite a few shinobi with chakra signatures much bigger. But in the context of being only a chunin, who always seemed fairly average in terms of fighting skills Before...

It's actually kind of intimidating.

He moves to stand in a line with few other chunin I don't recognize. The other teachers, I assume. I'm suddenly struck with the realization that I may not even end up in the same class as the rookie nine. This is both a good and bad thing. Obviously, if I want to do anything to help out the whole future Fate of the World thing, I need to be firmly entrenched with the people I know are going to have very important futures. 

On the other hand, if I avoid them, I can potentially avoid a whole lot of problems, at least for a little while. I already have enough problems. I don't need more.

Yeah, I'm aware that I'll be affected regardless, but hey, I'm allowed to be selfish now and then, right?

Not like it matters what I think. In the end, I don't have a choice which class I'll end up in.

Iruka-sensei smiles at all of us, waving a clipboard in the air above him.

"Alright everyone," he says. "When I call your name, line up by the door please." He looks down at the list and back at all of us, before calling out, "Aburame Shino." I startle and glance around until I see a young boy walking to the designated spot. He is already wearing the signature sunglasses and high collar combo. I can immediately tell that he already is a host, because there are multiple small chakra signatures emitting from him. I shudder slightly. 

Bugs are terrifying.

Iruka-sensei continues calling names, and along with people I don't recognize at all, I see who must be a young Sakura, as well as Hinata. Interesting enough, another Hyuuga gets called too. I hadn't realized there was another Hyuuga in their class, but I suppose the show couldn't get everything right.

"...Namiashi Hiroka," Iruka-sensei calls, and it takes me a moment to realize that he's referring to me. It's the first time my name's been called with the new addition. A little thrill runs down my back. I belong somewhere.

Namiashi Hiroka.

I like the sound of that.

Iruka-sensei finishes his list of names, and I notice that he has called every single member of the rookie nine. I've officially been placed in with the group of kids that have the curse of Plot tied to them, and all the internal fretting is rendered pointless.

Goody.

We all get herded into the building after that. I refuse to be one of the kids who turn around with wide eyes to catch a glimpse of their parents one more time. One part of that is simply because I'm not actually a little kid, and I don't want to get into the habit of relying on Raidou for a source of comfort.

The other reason is conveniently standing right next to me.

Uzumaki Naruto. The most important person in the original Plot, and easily one of the most important people in the village here as a reality, simply for being who - and what- he is.

I can feel the chakra from here.

It's buried, likely contained by the seal so tightly that even my weird sensing abilities wouldn't have been able to pick up on it if I didn't already know it was there.

All of this is placed on the back burner when I see the look on his face though. He's watching the kids wave goodbye to their parents, friends grouping together, and he looks so alone. There isn't even any sort of hope or anger or anything. Just... 

Resignation.

I originally had a plan. I was going to completely avoid Naruto until after we graduated, because I know for a fact there's a lot of things that make him the person he's going to be that should happen. But seeing him standing there, so young and sad...

I realize that despite everything that's already happened to me, I've still been thinking of Naruto and the rest of Konoha Twelve in terms of characters for a plot. I'm wrong though, I'm so wrong. 

Naruto is just a lonely kid, who needs a friend, and the idea of ignoring that need for the sake of some stupid future that may or may not happen is cruel.

I can't stand by and do nothing.

Unfortunately, my social skills have followed me over from Before. Meaning, of course, that I don't really have any. Striking up a conversation is intimidating enough without adding the weird layer of child mentality that blankets my adult mind. There's no harm in trying though, right? That's what I tell myself at least.

That's how I find myself walking over to Naruto and smiling shyly at him.

"Hi," I say, "I'm Namiashi Hiroka. What's your name?" And oh, getting to introduce myself like that is an amazing feeling.

Not as amazing a feeling as the one I get when Naruto turns a blinding smile at me, though. It's like staring at the sun. There's not a trace of the sadness that was there only a moment ago, and I'm suddenly capable of understanding how easily he wields the Power of the Protagonist. He's been gifted with it even without some writer to play god.

"Hi, Hiroka-chan!" he says, so fast and loud I take an instinctive step back. He doesn't even notice, thank Kami. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I'm going to be Hokage, dattebayo! Hey, you wanna hang out later?" 

Oh my god, he actually introduces himself like that? For real?

"Er, yeah, sure!" I say, managing to muster up the enthusiasm Naruto deserves. I suck at making friends and conversation, but Naruto just barrels over my awkwardness. It's actually quite refreshing.

I don't have to worry about my inept abilities at talking, because it seems like Naruto will have more than enough to say without me.

"Come on, Hiroka-chan, let's sit together!" Naruto say, and starts following the other kids inside, ignoring the few rather rude looks thrown at him. I follow quickly behind him, not wanting to be left alone.

We make it inside, and I immediately head for the back. Naruto stops me.

"I want to sit in the front!" He says. Shouts, really, but I think that's just his normal volume at this age.

"Um," I say, trying to think of a way to tell him I refuse to sit in the front that won't offend a five-year-old. "But the best ninjas would sit in the back." There, ninja reasoning.

"What?" he asks. "Why would they do that?"

"Because then they have a wall to their back," I say. "So nobody can sneak up on them." His eyes light up in realization and he laughs.

"Yeah, haha. I knew that. I was just testin' ya!" He grabs my hand and starts tugging me to the back. "Come on, Hiroka-chan!" He tosses me towards the middle seat, next to a boy laying with his head down. Naruto drops down on my other side. The boy we disturbed lifts his head up to glare at us.

It's Shikamaru.

"Sorry," I say quickly. "He's just excited." I immediately look away. I already have one overly curious Nara analyzing my every move. I don't need his son to do the same. 

I should've realized that my immediate, nearly panicked response to a question not even asked would only make him even more curious. The entire morning he glances over at me anytime he doesn't have his face buried in his arms. It makes me a little jittery.

Or that could be a response to Naruto practically vibrating in his seat. I'm almost convinced that the entire room is shaking in response. It takes longer than I care to admit to realize that it isn't energy, but his chakra, constantly trying to escape the confines of his body.

And wow, that makes so much sense now. He has so much chakra, probably due to the Demon Fox, unable to escape due to the seal. So instead it converts into energy. That also explains how in the story from Before, his hyperactive tendencies became more contained as he got older, and especially after he and Kurama separated. 

"Okay, everybody. Lunch time. I want to see everyone back in this room in half an hour," Iruka-sensei says. I blink in surprise. Has it really already been half a day?

"Alright!" Naruto yells, half jumping out of his seat. He turns to grin down at me. "Come on, Hiroka-chan, let's eat together!" Before I manage a coherent confirmation, a throat is cleared beside me, and I turn to see Shikamaru has stood up, and is looking in our direction, Chouji having come up to stand with him.

"You wanna join us for lunch?" Shikamaru is watching me with eyes far too knowing for a five year old as he asks. I consider turning him down, but before I get the chance Naruto is agreeing for both of us. Chouji smiles shyly from Shikamaru's side, and I can't bring myself to turn all three of them down.

So much for keeping my head down.

We end up under one of the large trees around the perimeter of the courtyard. Shikamaru doesn't even pretend to eat, just immediately lays down and closes his eyes. Naruto and Chouji are talking about food, because of course they are. I sit against the tree, watching the three of them. I wait to see if any of them plan on engaging me in conversation, but when it becomes apparent that they are all content just to have me there, I relax. Maybe it's their ages, and it might change soon, but it feels nice to be around people who aren't put off by my lack of conversation skills.

I close my eyes and lean back against the tree, letting Naruto and Chouji's voices lull me into a state of half sleep. 

Not bad for a first day.

* * *

"So how was your day?" Raidou asks at dinner. Genma, who is once again sitting at our kitchen table, casually takes a bite and pretends not to care about my answer. 

"It was ok," I say. I think about meeting Naruto and Shikamaru. "I think I made some friends."

I don't bother saying who, and Raidou doesn't ask, too new to the parenting role. It's better that way, really. While I'd like to believe he's better than the majority of parents, I know for a fact that Inoichi told his daughter to stay away from Naruto, and he's a good man. I honestly can't remember how Raidou and Genma treated Naruto from Before, though I do remember that they were both close to Minato. If that effects their views in a positive or negative light, I wouldn't even begin to know. It's easier to wait until I'm more comfortable confronting Raidou before I say anything.

"That's good," Raidou says after a moment, staring into his food like it will tell him life's secrets. Genma is watching him with a calculated eye.

"Raidou-san?" I ask, when it seems that he is going to continue to stare quietly. He jerks and looks back up, catching my eye. 

"Right," he says, clearing his throat. "I know that you only just started class, and I wanted to be here for at least the first week. Uh.. That is..." He trails off, and I wait patiently for him to figure out what to say. 

"I have a mission," he says finally. "I have to leave early tomorrow, and I'll likely be gone at least the rest of the week." He looks genuinely upset, despite the fact that I know how much he's been wanting to get back out on missions. Something inside me warms a little at the idea that Raidou so obviously wants to be here with me.

"That's ok," I say, smiling in encouragement. "I know how important your job is. I'll be fine." He relaxes almost instantly upon my words. 

"Right," he says. "Well, good then." He goes back to eating with an almost intense focus. Genma snorts and clears his throat with a pointed look. Raidou jumps before looking back up with a sheepish grin. "Oh, right. Uh, Genma is going to stay here and watch you. I mean... If that's ok, I can always... Uh , well.. I'm sure -"

"It's ok," I say, cutting the poor guy some slack when it becomes clear that Genma is totally fine with letting Raidou babble himself into some strange vortex of nervousness. I shoot Genma a little glare, and the jerk has the nerve to smirk back. 

"Just you and me, kid," he says. "I think we'll manage." Raidou seems to go a little pale at that, as if he's only just now realizing that he's placing Genma of all people in charge of a little kid. I just grin.

"Ya," I say. "Don't worry, Raidou-san. I'm sure Genma-san will take good care of me."

"Right," Raidou says, a little weakly. "Of course he will."

* * *

"Do you think I can learn Kenjutsu?" I ask. Genma looks up from the take out he brought us for dinner. It's only the second day of Operation Parent Genma, and it has become quickly apparent that Raidou is the cook in the relationship. 

"Uhh," Genma says. "You want to learn Kenjutsu?" He looks a little dubious about it. "Aren't you a little young to be deciding a specialization? It's like, the third day of school." I open my mouth to tell him how hypocritical it is to denounce my choice when Kakashi was already on the front lines at my age, (And seriously, how does that even work?) but I just huff instead. 

Right, I'm not supposed to know that.

"But Raidou-san uses it," I say after a moment. "So he could teach me. Also, swords are awesome." Which is completely true. Back Before, I constantly wished I could learn how to use one. Like hell was I going to pass that up in a world where I am actually forced to pick some form of fighting.

"Well," Genma says, "You are not wrong, kid. They are pretty awesome. But you should talk to Raidou about it. I don't know shit about Kenjutsu." He suddenly flinched and looked around as if someone were listening in. "Also, we aren't telling him I used that word in front of you, 'k kid? He'll beat the shi- uh, the stuff out of me." I smile, tilting my head slightly.

"Alright, Genma-san," I say in agreement. I wait until he takes another bite before I say, "But only if you tell me how long you and Raidou-san have been dating." 

I'll admit it is more than a little satisfying to see him choke on his food. He manages to swallow without suffocating, and stares at me in shock.

"What makes you say that. We aren't..." He trails off when he looks at my face. "Damn, alright, kid. Been a long time. Four years or so?" 

"Huh," I said. That was a lot longer than I had expected, all things considered.

"What?" Genma asks. "'Huh?' That's all I get after that?" He actually sounds a little... Wary? When I look up at him he has a slightly defensive look on his face.

"Oh, I just thought that was a long time. Why don't you live together, then?" I ask. Genma blinks.

"Uh, we did. 'Till you showed up. I guess Rai was a little worried. Didn't want to overwhelm you, or something like that. He's a real worrier, you know. Wants to make a good impression on ya," he says.

"Raidou-san is the best I could've possibly asked for," I say seriously. Genma smiles softly at that.

"Yah, I mean, he is a pretty great guy," he says. I nod decisively and stand up. As I head for my room, I pause and turn back to grin at Genma.

"He deserves the best, too," I say. "So you should move back in." I disappear into my room, leaving Genma sitting at the table. I wonder how long it will take him to notice I skipped out on clean up duty.

Sucker.

* * *

On the Tuesday of the third week of school, I meet Sasuke. 

Well alright, I've met him before that, of course, along with everyone else in the class at this point, but it's the first time I ever have an actual conversation with him.

It starts like this.

I'm in the academy's training yard, working on throwing punches. Iruka-sensei let us know the day before that at the start of next month, we begin sparring. Everyone knows that the clan kids will have a huge advantage, having probably already started learning the basics of their clan's style. I think it's a little weird that we are being taught violence so early, but then again, early conditioning makes the best ninjas, I suppose. Well, whatever the reason, we start way sooner than I expected, and I need to make sure I don't crash and burn. Also, I really don't want to embarrass Raidou. He is a not so secret assassin, plus one of the Hokage's bodyguards, and even though only the bodyguard thing is common knowledge, I don't want to end up being that kid that causes everyone to wonder just how weak the genetic pool is.

So, anyway, I'm out there, throwing punch after punch, when I hear a kid's voice behind me say, "Your stance is all wrong." I turn around to tell the asshole to mind his own business, and come face to face with a baby faced Uchiha Sasuke. 

"Uh," I say. The look on his face is very clearly saying how dumb he thinks I am, which, point. Instead of calling me out on my lack of talking capabilities, he just sighs like I went out of my way to make his day that much more exhausting, before reaching out and grabbing my arm. I flinch, but he just moves it into a slightly different position.

"Like this," he says, before letting go of my arm and mimicking the stance, though he shifts his right leg back a bit more. I mirror his leg, and then throw a punch. It connects with the log much more solidly.

"Oh," I say in surprise. "Thanks. I haven't really done any of this before, and I wanted to make a good impression... Uh, I'm Hiroka, by the way." He flushes and nods.

"No problem," he says. "Yah, I know who you are. You're from outside the village, right? I heard my brother talk about that." Oh, that's right. Itachi was one of the people who found me, though I'm a little surprised he mentioned me at all after I got dumped into Medical. I suppose Fugaku would want to know about the outsider who ended up in class with his youngest though.

"That's me," I say, for lack of any better words, or any other words at all. Sasuke stares at the training post as if it holds all the secrets to a stimulating conversation, (ugh, I wish) before he just huffs and spins to stare at me.

"We should spar together," he says. I find myself nodding in agreement before doing a double take.

"Uh, you want to spar with me?" I ask weakly, glancing around. I half wonder if someone else is out here, but nope, it's just us.

"Yes," he says, and what the actual hell, he sounds so calm, like it's a completely normal thing to just say something like that.

"But wouldn't it be better if you sparred with someone who is actually... Uh, good?" I ask, turning to look back at the post.

"Everyone else would either be too scared, or would just let me win," he says. Which, is probably true, but this kid is only five, and is somehow already this jaded? Jeez. "Besides, sparring with me will make you get better." 

Well, there's that Uchiha arrogance. To be fair, it's also the truth.

"Yeah, alright," I say after a moment. "Let's do it."

Needless to say, I lost that fight pretty spectacularly. Also the one the next day.

And the day after that.

This might take a while. 

* * *

I'm sitting in my room attempting to stretch out my chakra senses when Raidou comes home. It takes all of five seconds to process that he's not alone. It takes maybe two more to realize it isn't Genma, or any other chakra signature I recognize. It's sharp, like the edge of a blade, but interspersed with something I can only describe as soft. It's a weird combination, and I'm not sure who it could be.

"Hiroka-chan," Raidou says, calling out from the front room. "Come out here, there's someone I want you to meet." I stumble off my bed, allowing my chakra to snap back to a normal range. I suddenly feel flustered and I'm not sure why. Who could Raidou want to personally introduce me to? Are they important? Is this a good introduction? 

I freeze when I realize I'm starting to hyperventilate. 

It's been an overwhelming couple of weeks, really. I've been forced to truly understand the implication of where I'm at and the time period in which I'm a part of. There are so many potentially bad people I could have to.. What, befriend? It's hard for me to look the few friends I've made in the eye sometimes as it is.

My internal freak-out must have taken longer than I thought, because I'm yanked out of it by a knock on the door.

"Hiroka-chan?" Raidou asks. "Are you alright in there?" I force myself to take a few deep breaths.

"Yeah," I say quickly. "I'll be out in a second."

"Alright," he says, and moves away from the door.

I relax slightly.

I know I'm over reacting. It could be that whoever is in there with Raidou is just a friend of his. That's probably exactly what it is. I'm getting worked up over nothing.

I step out into the living room after another few moments of psyching myself up.

It's not nothing.

Well, at least it's not a member of Root or something of that caliber. Instead, the man who is standing in the living room with Raidou is definitely one of the good guys.

It's Hayate.

The very first named leaf shinobi to die on screen. For a second all I can see is blood, and I feel sick. 

"There you are," Raidou says. "This is a friend of mine, Gekkou Hayate." He smiles, though it flickers in uncertainty when he sees my face. 

"It's nice to meet you," I say quickly, before Raidou can comment. Hayate smiles and waves in response. He's much younger than I ever remembered from Before, maybe a teenager at most, and yet he is already wearing the jacket that is given to Elite and Tokubetsu Jounin. 

He looks at ease, happy, and I'm somehow certain that Yugao is already in his life. 

I think of blood, and an ally who never has to answer for what he's done, and a woman who was so _alone_...

I blink a few times, rapidly. Raidou is giving me some sort of suspicious look, though Hayate is thankfully oblivious to my impending breakdown. I manage to pull it together enough that Raidou relaxes, though he is still watching me carefully.

"Hayate here is a prodigy with a blade," he says after a moment. "Better than me, already."

"Oh, well, I don't know about that." Hayate says, coughing quietly into his fist. For a moment I wonder why Raidou is telling me this, until I remember my conversation with Genma the week before.

_Do you think I can learn Kenjutsu?_

As if reading my mind, Raidou says, "I was telling him about your interest in it. Maybe in a couple years Hayate and I could start teaching you a thing or two about it." My eyes widen in excitement, and I wonder if they're sparkling.

"Really?" I ask. "That would be so cool! I'll work really hard and prove I can do it!"

Sometimes I wonder if my physical age is affecting my personality.

Regardless, they are both smiling at me, and I vow to be the best in my class, if only to prove I can learn Kenjutsu.

* * *

The thing is, everyone here uses chakra. _Everyone._ I had assumed it was sort of a fully fledged ninja thing, but no, the kids here all use it too.

Of course, they don't even realize that they are using it. It seems to come naturally to them, and I realize very early that my constant acknowledgement of the chakra running through is both a curse and a blessing. Everyone comes to realize that I have nearly perfect chakra control, which is a positive on quite a few levels, of course. Genjutsu and Medical Ninjutsu requires insane levels of chakra control. Unfortunately, I don't have the quick reflexes most others seem to possess, because I have to physically will my chakra to be of use.

This is only discovered after I realize that my speed was lacking due to my not bothering to use chakra to enhance it. In my defense, we don't actually do anything with chakra in class other than a few control exercises. It wasn't like any of our teachers mentioned using it to enhance our physical abilities. 

Mostly because I seem to be the only one who needed it spelt out for them, but I digress.

Once I figure out that my dumb super chakra sensitivity is the reason my physical scores have been so low, I'm able to rectify the problem. Between the regular spars with Sasuke, and Naruto after a few weeks and he got offended that I hadn't gone to him for practice as a super best friend ought to, (his words) I manage to bring my physical grades up to par with my ridiculously high academic scores. 

I admit that I'm using my whole, not really a kid thing shamelessly to my advantage on that, but it's not like this academy isn't cranking out geniuses on a fairly regular basis. My so called intelligence will probably even out eventually anyway.

With my physical grades much improved, and my academic grades pretty much perfect, by the time the first list is posted for class rankings, I'm pretty confident.

"Wow, Hiroka-chan!" Naruto says from my side, staring at where my name is printed cleanly between Uchiha Sasuke and Haruna Sakura. "You're really smart!" 

"Thanks, Naruto," I say, a little shy about it. It doesn't matter that the compliments coming from a little kid. I don't get them that often, and honestly, I'm pretty proud of it all. I turn and grin at him. "You better catch up."

"Hah! You just watch, Hiroka-chan! My name is gonna end up at the top of that list, dattebayo!" 

* * *

The first year and a half in Konoha follow a similar pattern, with regular sparring sessions with both Naruto and Sasuke, and later, with Shino, who I told about my phobia of bugs before requesting sparring a way to help work through it . It's nice. I'm finally someplace internally where I can be happy, and I even have friends.

Of course, I forgot that the bad things don't bother waiting until we graduate to start happening.

I forgot all about the Uchiha Massacre.


	7. Academy Arc: The Guilt in the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 1k hits and 100 kudos already? Thank you guys so much! I'm having a lot of fun with this fic, and I'm glad you all are enjoying it too.

When I'm seven years old, I get placed in Kunoichi class. 

Kunoichi class is exactly as bad as I always envisioned it to be. Right from the beginning, the girls all naturally flock to the friends they've made over the last couple years. Considering my friends list consists of exactly zero girls, I'm left to my own devices during projects. The only other outcast of the class is Sakura, and the idea of talking to her at all is, well, awkward. I mean, I have been consistently top girl since they started keeping score, and though from what I've seen, Sakura hasn't developed her, uh, personality quite yet, I'm not sure how friendly things can be between us. So I end up alone for every class.

On top of the horror of being in a class full of gossiping children, it is also the most sexist, degrading, awful class I have ever imagined being a part of. While quite a bit of the information we are taught is extremely useful, most of the useful bit could be implemented by both men and women. Why apparently only kunoichi need to learn the language of flowers, I have no idea.

"This is stupid," I say. Suzume-sensei is standing in front of me, and from the look on her face, I'm not sure if she wants to yell at me or start crying. To be fair, I've been in this class for a month now, and am consistently her most troubling student. Today we've been learning how to fold napkins the way royalty does, as if that is somehow important knowledge, and I have once again botched the design. I'm the only one who hasn't gotten it right, and I hate that this stupid class might bring down my grades.

"A good kunoichi can hide in plain sight," She says, for like the billionth time. She's practically growling in an effort not to yell. "Knowing these skills will help you blend in. If you ever found yourself in the company of royalty, you would need to be able to act as if you have always been one."

"Right," I say, "But wouldn't pretending to be someone of status cause you to stick out more? A common girl would be more likely to get overlooked." Suzume-sensei adjusts her glasses and turns away briefly, probably to hide a scowl. When she turns back, she has a fairly calm expression on her face.

"You may not always find yourself in a position so easily overlooked on a mission. You must have the skills to adapt, no matter how infrequently you might use them." I stare down at the dumb napkin, before carefully flattening it out and trying again.

"Oh, well then," I say, "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?" That makes way more sense than just another piece of stupid information that only the girls need to know about. Why apparently all these girls think this stuff is fun, I can't even imagine. But I suppose in a world such as this one, I need to adapt to the gap between male and female ninja, and act accordingly.

I manage to fold the napkin perfectly after two more tries, and the design we try after is much easier.

I still hate it, though.

* * *

"I'm sure it's not that bad," Yugao says, grinning at me. She and I are sitting on the front porch, our legs dangling off the side. There is a the occasional civilian walking past, but for the most part we are alone. Yugao is swinging her legs a little like a child, watching me for my reaction. I scowl, because yes, it is that bad.

"They all act like I'm crazy because I'm not frolicking in the fields. Just because I don't like all that girly stuff doesn't mean anything bad," I say. Yugao reaches out and tugs on my ponytail.

"You're right," she says, "It isn't bad at all. But maybe if you tried to be more friendly to them you wouldn't have so many problems in that class. I know you only really talk to the boys in your class." She gives me a meaningful look.

"The boys are less maintenance," I say, which isn't strictly true. I need a flowchart to keep Naruto and Sasuke from fighting every time they see each other, and despite Shino being a great friend, I admittedly get panic attacks whenever I'm around him for too long.

Yugao just laughs. "You have met Genma, right?" she says with a teasing grin. I laugh along with her, because true, but then I sigh.

"I just wish that the other girls took their training more seriously." And that is the real issue here. My method of friendship with everyone other than Shikamaru consists of sparring, and none of the other girls are interested in that sort of thing. I'm starting to understand just how problematic the kunoichi of this year truly are. None of them will have the physical mass necessary to keep up with the boys, or even any of the older girls, by the time they graduate. They'll all be sitting ducks out in the real world, and none of them seem to really care.

"All they want to do is sit around and talk about clothes and boys," I say. "I don't have that kind of common ground. I'm going to be a warrior, so it makes sense that I would surround myself with warriors." Yugao starts laughing, way more than I think is necessary for my statement. It's true, because being around most of the females makes me feel weak, which is stupid. Yugao is a bad ass, and I know at least a few of the girls in class have the potential to be as well. Right now though, they are all so wrapped up in stupid shit. 

"Well, if that's how it is, why don't you teach some of the girls to be warriors?" Yugao says. "Then you have girls you can hang out with who don't offend your tough image." She's teasing me again, and I reach out to shove her shoulder with a scowl, but it is actually a sound idea. If I could teach even one of the girls how to fight properly, it might gain me friendship points, as well as make Kunoichi class just a little bit more bearable. 

"Alright," I say, "I'll try, but most of them will quit the first time they break a nail." 

"Hey!" Yugao says, false offense in her voice, "I'll have you know that broken nails are painful." She wiggles her fingers in front of her with a grin. I snort and shake my head at her, but I'm grateful for the ridiculousness. 

"Thanks for talking with me about this," I say. "You really didn't need to listen to all my complaining." Yugao wraps her arm around me in a hug, squeezing slightly.

"Nonsense," She says, "What are friends for, if not to complain to each other? That's pretty much the entire basis of Hayate and I's relationship!" She winks at me, holding me a bit tighter for a moment before letting go, and gesturing towards the road. "Speaking of..."

"You two talking about us?" Genma asks, smirking as he and Hayate head up the path to us.

"No," I say, at the exact same time Yugao says, "Yes." We both look at each other for a moment, before looking back at the boys, almost perfectly timed.

"We were talking about Hayate-san," I say, "But not you." Genma places a palm flat against his chest, his eyes widening.

"That hurts, kid. That hurts quite a bit," he says, as Hayate tries to hide a smile. I wave a hand in the air with a mock dismissive gesture.

"You'll get over it," I say, feeling a smile overtake my face. Over the last couple years, I've gotten a lot more confident with what I say, and Genma is probably the most encouraging person when it comes to my sarcasm. He reaches out and ruffles my hair until the ponytail comes lose. I consider being offended for a moment before settling for sticking my tongue out at him and fixing my hair. 

"Jerk," I say, and if it comes out a bit more affectionate than I intended, well, he's family.

"Weirdo," he immediately says in reply, and then proceeds to jump back from the kick Yugao sends in his direction.

"Don't call Hiroka-chan mean things, Genma," she says, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "She doesn't deserve your cruelty." I pout and snuggle into Yugao's embrace.

"He really is mean," I say, throwing a teasing smile at Genma. Hayate starts laughing.

"You only just now realizing that, Hiroka?" Hayate asks, smirking at Genma when the man turns an exaggerated look of betrayal at his friend. Genma huffs and opens the front door, leaning back out to declare that we were on our own for dinner if we want to continue ganging up on him. I immediately jump up.

"No," I say quickly. "You're the best." I give him my best innocent smile, which only causes him to snort.

"Nice try, kid," he says. Hayate and Yugao pile into the home behind me, and immediately start moving around the kitchen, getting things ready for dinner. Raidou is away on a mission at the moment, so it's just the four of us. 

It only took me a few months to realize that Hayate spends more time over here than anywhere else other than where ever Yugao is at. I haven't quite figured it out, though the both of them have spent every family holiday over here since I got here.

I wonder if either of them have any other family. 

I'm starting to realize that Raidou's entire family, and by extension, my entire family, is made up of a dysfunctional group of ANBU. I still haven't decided if being raised by a bunch of elite assassins is a pro or a con yet.

"I brought you dango," Hayate says, handing over a small bag with a conspiratorial wink. I take it with a smile and a thanks. 

I'm leaning towards it being a good thing.

* * *

One of the worst parts about this whole reincarnation thing, is that all of my previously developed personality quirks traveled over as well. While this isn't necessarily an overall bad thing, especially considering one of my biggest hobbies Before was collecting anything shiny and sharp, it also happened to bring over my phobias.

Considering clowns don't seem to really be a thing here, that just leaves the other big problem.

Bugs.

Bugs are terrifying to me, detrimentally so. Back before, being in the same room as anything more frightening than a fly would potentially send me into a panic attack. This is obviously something not great for a ninja in training who _lives in the middle of a bug infested forest._

Luckily, I'm a big fan of desensitization through exposure, and I just so happened to have someone geared towards bugs right there in class with me. So of course it made perfect sense for me to walk up to the young Aburame and carefully explain my dilemma.

Something I noticed about the clan kids, is that they tend to have specific instincts and personality traits that appear to be unreasonably genetic. The Inuzuka clan tends to view everyone in the pecking order of 'pack' and view violence as a way to settle most disputes, the Nara clan is filled to the brim with naturally talented deception specialists and for some reason the females of the clan are more willing to show ambition, and the Hyuuga clan is comprised of naturally stoic individuals who seems predisposed to diplomacy.

Then there's the Aburame clan. Where most of the clans tend to hide their weaknesses, the Aburames that I've met seem mostly to respect it. I didn't really understand this until I admitted to Shino that I needed help with the bug problem. Almost immediately his respect for me seemed to skyrocket, and he didn't hesitate to offer his help. 

Now, after almost a year of Shino standing close by and letting his Kikaichu sort of hover in my line of sight, we've finally graduated into the portion where I let the insects actually touch me.

I hate myself so much for believing that this was a good idea.

I shiver as the beetles make their way up my forearm. They aren't doing anything but crawling, and I try really hard not to think of the fact that these beetles can just start sucking on my chakra at any given moment. Their own chakra signatures are calm and steady, Shino's chakra a steady counterpoint a few feet in front of me.

I've lost count of how many times we've done this now. Shino thinks the best way to encourage a lack of reaction is to steadily increase the rate of exposure. When we first started this part of my _conditioning_ , so to speak, I could only handle having a single Kikaichu settle on my outstretched palm for all of half a second before I promptly screeched in a rather undignified manner and begged Shino to call it back.

Currently, there are over two dozen Kikaichu climbing all over my arm, where they've been for the last half hour. My breathing is starting to get difficult to keep regulated, but overall this is my best time yet.

"Alright," I say, my voice tight and possibly half an octave higher than it should be. "I think that's enough for today." As if by my words alone, the beetles all lift from my arm and return to Shino, slipping in under the sleeve of his jacket. I take a deep breath and finally relax.

"Today was a great improvement," Shino says. "Why? Because you beat yesterday's time by almost five minutes." I look over at him in surprise. That actually is rather large gap, considering my previous best time was an extra thirty seven seconds.

"It's working," I say, relieved. Nothing would be worse than having a bug induced panic attack in the middle of a mission. My ability to deal with my phobia is literally a matter of life and death. "Thanks Shino, really."

"Of course," he says, already turning to leave. Shino isn't one to stick around and chat, but that's fine by me. "Same time tomorrow."

I heave a sigh at that reminder. "Right."

* * *

"You alright?" Shikamaru asks. It's lunch hour, and the two of us are laying side by side staring at the clouds. Chouji and Naruto are sitting together while they eat, and Sasuke is sitting in the shade of the tree, people watching. I hum in response to Shikamaru's question.

"Yeah," I say, "I just really hate kunoichi class." The class is meeting after lunch, and today we are supposed to be working on learning how to play a basic folk song on a Ryuteki. I hate to admit that I'm actually looking forward to this lesson, but Yugao's advice keeps coming back to me. 

I really need to try to make new friends. _Female_ friends, so that I'm not alone in that class.

Ugh.

Doesn't Yugao count as my female friend? Do I really need more? 

"Women," Shikamaru says. Sometimes I'm concerned that he might honestly forget I'm a girl. 

Of course, I also happen to agree with that statement. Women.

The bell signifying the end of lunch goes off only a few minutes later, and I wave to the boys before heading over to one of the many Academy clearings, where the other girls in the class are already gathering.

"Alright, class," Suzume-sensei says after we've all gathered together. "I'm going to pass out the Ryutekis and sheet music. Then I'll give a demonstration before you start working individually." 

So, as it turns out, the Ryuteki is actually not as simple an instrument as one might be hoping. I end up sitting apart from the other girls and attempting to play the short piece. 

It goes better than expected, but still worse than I was hoping. Seriously, this class is going to completely destroy my class rankings. 

"Um, do you need help?" I jerk my head up in response to the question, and then proceed to freeze. Standing in front of me with a shy smile is Sakura.

I have, admittedly, been going out of my way to avoid Sakura. With my grades keeping in the spot of Top Girl, I have basically stolen Sakura's life. Even just looking at her causes a heavy pit of guilt to curl in my stomach. It's stupid to feel this way, I know. If I had been reborn here without my memories, I might still have taken the top spot. 

If only my rational brain could override these stupid emotions.

"Sure," I say hesitantly, not wanting to be rude. I've been doing pretty well at not seeming totally obvious with my avoidance, and I don't want to start now. Sakura sits down next to me and pulls the sheet music I've been staring intently at in front of her. 

"Here's your problem," she says, pointing at the scroll. I stare blankly at the notes for a minute. Sakura looks back over to me, before sighing and readjusting my fingers on the Ryuteki. "You were playing a G instead of a C." 

Oh, well, now I feel dumb.

"Right," I say, a little meekly. She pulls her own flute up to her lips and proceeds to play. It's a little wobbly, and she isn't actually as confident as she seems, but all the notes sound correct. I glance down at the sheet music before mimicking her, playing the phrase with the correct finger positioning. 

The melody comes out correctly this time.

"Thanks," I say after I lower the flute back into my lap. Sakura beams at me, and I find myself staring at the red bow tying her hair back. Friends with Ino already then. I wonder when they are going to have their falling out. I wonder if I should try to prevent it.

"Are you okay?" Sakura asks, and I realize I've been staring probably pretty creepily at her. I blink rapidly a few times and turn my gaze down to the sheet music.

"Um, yeah, sorry," I say. She hesitates, her eyes narrowing in what is probably concentration or something, but before I can figure out if she's attempting to psychoanalyze me and if I should say something, she is smiling and looking somewhere over my shoulder.

"Ino!" she says, waving her arm in the air as if the loud call wasn't enough. I turn to follow her gaze, and sure enough, Ino is making her way over to us. She looks down at me, and I suddenly feel like I'm being judged. Somehow I feel insulted, and she hasn't even said anything yet.

"Hey, you're Hiroka, right?" she asks, though it comes out more as a statement than anything. I nod slowly, because honestly, I'm not even sure that's the right answer. "Thought so. You're friends with Sasuke." She says it like she isn't sure if she should be angry at me about that or not. I choose not to take offense, because I'm pretty sure this means she's already hopelessly obsessed. I was hoping maybe that had been one of the things that was different than Before, but now I realize that was wishful thinking. 

Granted, I should've realized it was wishful thinking way back when Sasuke first made it clear that I was the only non Uchiha female he could apparently stand to be around.

Aw, well. Everyone has their vices, I suppose.

"So, you want to hang out with us?" Sakura asks, a little shyly. I'm a little surprised by the offer, and I glance at Ino, expecting her to reject the offer. She doesn't, instead she crosses her arms and adopts an impatient expression, apparently waiting for my response. 

I should say yes, right? Making friends with Ino, with _Sakura_ was one of those things I was sort of hoping I could avoid, but it seems stupid to avoid them now. Avoiding Ino would be a dumb move in the long run anyway, considering I'm already pretty close with her future teammates. 

"Um, yeah, I'd like that," I say, and it's really only a little bit of a lie, so I don't feel too bad about saying it. Maybe I can figure out a way to get rid of this ridiculous guilt I feel whenever I so much as look at Sakura.

"Well, good," Ino says. She sits down with us and immediately launches into some talk about one of the other girls in the class. It admittedly goes in one ear and right out the other, but surprisingly neither of the girls pressure me to talk. I end up relaxing a little more, smiling and nodding along at all the right moments.

Maybe I can make this whole friendship thing work out, after all.

* * *

One morning, I wake up, and everything feels _wrong._ I get ready for school and walk into the kitchen, where breakfast is waiting and both Raidou and Genma are drinking tea, just like nearly every other morning. And yet, there is something about the situation that makes my skin crawl. After a moment, I realize that it's their chakra. 

It feels almost _agitated._

I eat quickly and bolt for the door with a quick wave, needing the fresh air. I make it to the Academy almost an hour before class starts, but at this point that's pretty normal. Sasuke is already waiting for me.

"Hey," he says when he catches sight of me. When I get closer, I notice that his lower lip is burnt. I sigh and point at it.

"What did you do?" I ask. Instead of looking even remotely apologetic, he grins.

"My father's been teaching me our clan's signature jutsu," he says. "I mastered it yesterday." He sounds proud of himself, but for some reason the information makes me a little uneasy.

"That's great," I say when I realize Sasuke is waiting for a reaction. "Let's spar?" I need to get my mind on something other than all these feelings of wrongness. I know that I'm missing something, but I can't think of what it is. 

"Alright," Sasuke says, and settles into position. I take a few steps back and mirror his stance. This has been how we start almost all our mornings lately, so my request hasn't thrown up any red flags that might cause Sasuke to worry. Not that Sasuke actually worries, as far as I know. Not about anything other than impressing his family. 

I throw the first punch, only because Sasuke almost never does, and we would forever be stuck in a stalemate if I didn't. Sasuke easily leans back out of reach, bringing his leg up to knee me in my stomach. I manage to dodge the move, twisting my body to swing again, letting the momentum of the blocked punch propel me into his side, upsetting his balance and forcing him to jump back away from me. 

I learned early on in our sessions that the only way I stand a chance against Sasuke in hand to hand is to constantly keep him on the defensive. The minute he gets an opening on me, I'm basically done for. Taijutsu is something I'm good at, but compared to Sasuke I'm at a major disadvantage. Sasuke out speeds me, and hits harder. 

I attempt to close the distance with a low leg sweep that barely misses but succeeds in dragging me closer to him, and I wish not for the first time that I had a weapon that lengthened my reach. Like a sword.

I still plan on the whole Kenjutsu route, and all these sparring sessions just emphasis the potential.

I leap with a fist aimed for his throat, but he catches it and twists, causing me to flip and propel myself away from him with a kick to the gut. He lets go and jumps back before the kick can land, and I drop to the ground before pushing off to land back on my feet. I right myself just in time to jump out of the way of Sasuke's fist, and I barely contain the swear that threatens to come out now that I'm on the defensive.

I manage to block the next three hits before a well placed kick slams into my leg, causing my knee to buckle. I manage to catch his wrist in a tight grip as I go down, forcing him down with me. His other arm swings out at my head in an attempt to get me to let go, but I tug hard enough to upset his balance. My free fist buries itself into his stomach at the same time his arm catches me in the temple. The air leaves Sasuke's lungs with a gasp, but takes advantage of my disorientation to throw me flat on my back.

The entire thing lasted for all of a minute, and already every muscle is burning from overuse. At seven years old, there's only so much stamina a kid can have, which is admittedly not that much. I hear an excited shout that has to be Naruto, even as I take the hand Sasuke offers so I can pull myself upright.

"Woah! Hiroka-chan almost got you that time, Sasuke!" Naruto comes running up to us with a grin. Sasuke scoffs, but throws his arm around my shoulder companionably. We are both breathing hard from the spar. I laugh a little wildly because it's true, and I only very rarely get that close to a win with Sasuke. I give Sasuke's arm a quick squeeze before ducking out from under his arm.

"When are you going to get us, Naruto?" I ask, smirking playfully. Naruto huffs out, only half offended. It seems this version of Naruto is way better at taking a joke than the one I remember.

"I'll beat you no problem, dattebayo!" he says, "Bring it on!" He starts to slide into a bastardized version of a starting pose, only to startle back out of it as the warning bell for the start of class goes off. He laughs a little sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck. "Well, maybe tomorrow at least."

The three of us quickly head inside. Only an idiot would risk the wrath of Iruka-sensei.

The day passes like any other. Everything ends up feeling a bit closer to normal again about an hour into class, and some part of me wants to dismiss my unease as a fluke. The problem with that of course, is that I just can't let things like that go. It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you, and all that. I'm forgetting something important, I know it. But until I figure out what, I just need to push it out of my head, and try to learn something.

As soon as Iruka-sensei dismisses us for the day, Sasuke is already out the door, followed closely by Naruto. Shikamaru and Chouji lounge around as I gather my things. Though I managed to keep my mind off it for most of the day, now that it's over everything is getting jittery again.

"You alright?" Shikamaru asks. He's been watching me throughout the day, I know, having picked up my agitation early on. The problem is, even though I know something is wrong, I don't know what is wrong. How do I talk about what's bothering me, when I don't even know? So instead, I just shake my head with a sigh.

"Just a headache," I say, and it isn't even really a lie. Shikamaru shrugs and accepts the answer. I follow them both out the door, spotting Sasuke and Naruto over by the training posts. As I watch, Sasuke lets loose his Fireball Jutsu, and three shuriken spin out of the flames to imbed themselves in the post.

"Alright," Shikamaru says, dragging my attention back to where he and Chouji are already half turned down the road. "See ya." I wave at them in response before heading over to where Naruto is standing just out of range of Sasuke's jutsu. 

"You staying here a bit longer?" I ask. Sasuke nods, even as he heaves for breath. He pulls the shuriken from the log and resituates them in his hand. I catch sight of the new blisters on a few of his fingers.

"Yeah," he says, "I want to get in some more practice before I go home." For some reason, his words make me queasy, and I'm reminded of how off this entire day has felt. I don't say anything about it, instead shouldering my bag and turning to Naruto.

"You too?" I ask. Naruto nods distractedly, still watching Sasuke. His fingers are continuously shifting to try and match the signs to complete the jutsu. When he seems disinclined to say anything else, I just roll my eyes with a grin and start down the road.

"Have fun, see you boys tomorrow," I say, walking away. I hear Naruto call out an affirmative response before the tell tale whisper of a jutsu and the roar of flame. I follow the path heading for my house, and desperately trying to ignore the feeling that I just lied to Sasuke.

I'm the first one home, but that isn't much of a surprise these days. When I turned seven, Raidou and Genma decided I could be at home alone, and had started taking longer missions, without worrying about alternating dates. Despite that, something continues to feel stifled in the home, faint traces of Raidou's chakra. Something is definitely wrong if Raidou was stressed enough to leave a chakra signature behind when he hadn't used any jutsu.

It's about an hour later when Raidou comes home. He only takes off Kokutou and his vest though, as if he's ready to turn around and walk right back out the door. When he sees me he smiles, but it's easy to see the strain at the corners. I ignore it though, chirping out a falsely cheerful 'hello' that Raidou echoes in an equally fake tone.

"I'm going to make dinner," he says, already turning to the kitchen sink. "I'll call you when it's ready." I back out of the room, deciding that hiding in my bedroom is a better way to handle all of the tension in the house.

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing I'm aware of is Raidou calling me to eat. Even before I exit my room, I'm aware that Genma isn't home yet, which is odd. Usually he lets us know if a mission is going to keep him from eating with us. 

I barely pick at my food, and Raidou isn't much better. The agitation from this morning is only amplified now, despite the glaring absence of Genma's presence. Neither of us make any conversation, and I notice Raidou keeps glancing in the corner where Kokutou is propped against the wall. 

"How was your day," I ask finally, trying to get some of the tension out of the room. Raidou starts a little, like he forgot he wasn't alone in here, and clears his throat before taking a bite.

"It was fine," he says, "And yours?" He sounds all wrong, and it's starting to scare me. The same nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something is churning my gut, but before I can figure out a reply, a piercing wail fills the air.

I feel my stomach plummet, as I realize that it's the sound of the emergency sirens, calling all Jounin to emergency duty. Raidou jumps out of his chair, immediately reaching for his vest and blade. He must've been expecting this, and with a rising feeling of dread, I realize I have been too. Sasuke's mastering of the Fireball Jutsu, Genma's being absent, Raidou's agitation.

I hope I'm wrong.

Please, please let me be wrong.

There's a loud knock on the door, and it opens to reveal Yugao, her own blade strapped to her back. She smiles at me, but it looks strained. 

"Stay inside," Raidou says, turning and reaching down to grip my shoulders tight. "Don't open the door for anyone, alright?" I quickly nod, even if I think the idea is pointless. Anyone strong enough to put that look of fear on Raidou's face is likely strong enough to disable his traps if they were so inclined. I already know that I won't have to worry about something like that, but it doesn't feel me with any relief.

I watch Raidou head quickly to the door, where Yugao is waiting, and it slams shut behind them in their hurry. The sound of the latch falling into place echoes ominously in the room, and I hate that I know I'm right.

* * *

No one is saying anything. The entire room is quiet, even Naruto, who is staring blankly at the empty seat two rows in front of him. I know that's where Sasuke sits. We've all already been informed that Sasuke is alive, but somehow, that news isn't really a comfort. How can it be, when the empty chair that is sitting in front of Ino won't be filled again? I remember the girl talking about her new baby brother, an infant who never even got a chance to live.

I should've said something. I should've dropped hints, mentioned the strangeness of Itachi's chakra. I should've _stopped_ it.

I don't know how I'll ever look Sasuke in the eye again.

How had I forgotten one of the most important moments in the entire Plot? I let nearly a hundred people die. I live with two high ranking members of ANBU and talk to two others on a regular basis. For fucks sake, I knew Genma was going to be on the squad that went to the Compound in an attempt to stop the coup that the Hokage was expecting. I could've warned him. 

Sasuke is supposed to be one of my best friends, and I laughed and played with him while the murder of his family was being planned.

The day drags on painfully, not just for me but everyone in the class. Likely everyone in the entire academy. When the lunch bell rings, nobody moves, as if any quick movement would break the fragile quiet that blankets the room. For thirty minutes, the only movement consists of Naruto shifting in his chair, and Iruka-sensei occasionally shuffling some papers around.

With the exception of a quiet and subdued Chouji, no one eats anything.

The afternoon class follows the same pattern, and Iruka-sensei cancels the planned sparring sessions in favor of more bookwork. An easy excuse that no one is going to call him out on.

It's a blessing when class is finally let out.

I keep my head down as I make my way to the exit. I wonder if anyone looking at me could possibly guess the truth. That I knew what would happen last night, and chose not to say a word.

"Hiroka-chan!" Naruto whisper shouts in the way only he can get away with, running down the hall to catch up with me. I avoid looking him in the eye.

"Yeah?" I ask, my voice cracking on the quiet word after an entire day of silence.

"We should go check on Sasuke," Naruto says. I take a minute to marvel at how much is already different, that Naruto's first reaction is to make sure Sasuke is still functioning. They are already friends, a bright silver lining in an otherwise bleak outlook. 

"They won't let anyone see him right now, Naruto," I say, which is probably true. They likely have Sasuke on lockdown, until they can determine if Itachi is planning on returning to finish the job, as well as probably throwing a Yamanaka at the kid. Beyond that though, I don't think I can face Sasuke, not now, maybe not ever. I already failed him. 

Naruto deflates a little bit. "Yeah, you're probably right," he says. He looks honestly upset, and I hate that look on Naruto. He wore it too much already before I befriended him, but now all I can think about is the fact that I will very likely be responsible for putting that look on his face again. I ruined Sasuke, by willfully ignoring what I knew would happen. But Naruto... Naruto I'll likely ruin with the opposite. I don't deserve his friendship, and it's not like he really needs me anymore, right? Here, he is actually friends with people. Sasuke, Chouji, Shikamaru. Naruto hangs out with all three of them even without me there. I already did what I could for him, I'm really only going to make things worse if I keep it up, right?

I wonder how many times I will say that to myself before I believe it.

"I don't think we should be friends anymore."

What? Had that actually come out of my mouth? Judging by the horrified expression on Naruto's face, it did. Why? Where did that come from? Was I really so determined to mess this up too? 

"Yeah," I continue when it's clear he doesn't know what to say. "I'm not really friend material anyway, and Sasuke will probably need you more right now. I haven't really spent much time with my family recently, anyway. I need to be around more." Shit, he looks like he's going to cry. I did that, I hurt him, and I'm going to keep hurting him because I will ruin him too.

I know the words I need to say, that will guarantee Naruto will leave me alone. _Go away, Monster._

Three words, and I can't bring myself to say them. A lot of lies can come out of my mouth in the name of self given punishment, but that one won't. Instead I turn and run away before he can tell me what a stupid idea that is, that of course he needs me.

I'm good at running away. I died once, running away.

* * *

Naruto ends up sticking close to Sasuke.

I'm thankful for that at least. The two of them haven't destroyed their friendship over this, which was something I admittedly thought might happen. They talk about me occasionally. Or at least, that's what it seems like, whenever I see them glancing at me out of the corner of their eyes, worry and hurt almost rolling off of them in waves. Despite that, Naruto hasn't made an effort to try to talk to me after I ran away like a coward. Sasuke didn't approach me once even after he returned to class, which means Naruto probably told him about my sudden withdrawal. I have to admit I'm a little confused by the lack of strong-arming. Naruto obviously didn't believe my slightly manic excuse for a breakdown, and he's never seemed the type to let things go without a fight.

Maybe befriending Sasuke mellowed him out. Maybe they are waiting until I come to my senses.

Maybe they never really cared.

Three weeks after everything falls apart, I get the first hint that my self-sabotage has taken hold, in the form of an overinvested Academy teacher. Iruka-sensei is so good, and he has already taken a liking to Naruto, placing him pretty high on my list of decent human beings. Unfortunately, it isn't only Naruto he seems to worry about. He takes his job very seriously, and I really should've guessed that he would be the first to try to talk to me about my sudden change in behavior.

"Hiroka, do you mind staying behind for a moment?" Iruka-sensei asks. My steps falter, and I turn back. Iruka-sensei is watching me with a concerned expression. 

"Uhm, yeah, sure," I say, and walk over to his desk. Neither of us say anything as the rest of the kids file out of the classroom. As soon as the last student exists the room, Iruka-sensei pulls out a small stack of papers. I recognize it as the latest test.

"Hiroka, your grades have dropped significantly over the past few weeks. You understood this material just fine during the last test. Is something going on?" He sounds genuinely worried. I find myself unable to look him in the eyes. I wonder what he would say if he knew why I was doing this. I wonder if he would believe. He seems the type to humor me, at least. Not that I would say anything, not even a half truth that would seem less crazy. 

I know that I'm weak. It's easier to watch my grades fall, to lose that terrible descriptor. I never wanted it in the first place, and now it's even more of a curse. Something whispers in the back of my mind, reminding me of the importance of keeping my grades up if I want to be on Naruto and Sasuke's team, but it's getting easier to ignore that voice. I don't have the right to stand beside them, or the strength. I might as well had killed Sasuke's family myself. With that thought nestled in mind, it's easy to shake my head in denial.

"No, Iruka-sensei," I say. "The work is just getting more difficult." For a minute I think he's going to call me out on my lie, but after a long pause, where he seems to be searching my face for some answers, he just sighs and shakes his head.

"Alright, Hiroka. You know you can come to me if you are having trouble with the material." he says.

"Thanks, Iruka-sensei," I say, and when he smiles and nods in dismissal, I turn and flee before I can break down and tell him all my fears.

* * *

I honestly thought it would take longer to destroy everything I've worked for.

A month after the massacre, a month since I've talked to Sasuke, a month since my fight with Naruto.

A single month is all it took.

Class is as usual, with Iruka-sensei glancing over with only vaguely concealed expressions of concern. Shikamaru is a persistent presence at my side. I've only kept myself from burning that bridge because there's no doubt he can see right through me, and yet has still been kind enough not to call me out on it.

It's appreciated.

After class, I trail down the hallway after Shikamaru, heading for the group of kids gathered around the bulletin board. That's right, the new list rankings were just announced. I hesitate when I notice Naruto staring up at the board. Even as I pause, he glances over at me with an expression so hurt I can't help but flinch. He doesn't try to say anything, just turns and heads out the door. I wish I was strong enough to follow him, but instead I stand among the other kids, staring at the open doorway.

"How'd that happen?" Shikamaru asks. I jerk my eyes away from the door and follow his gaze to see Sakura's name at the very top of the rankings, right where my own name had been. I trail down the list and finally see my name, nestled just above Kiba and below Shikamaru. 

Last girl. 

I smile bitterly. 

"Guess I'm not as smart as people thought," I say, shrugging. Shikamaru turns at me with a disbelieving expression, but I ignore it and step away from the board. "See you tomorrow," I say, heading out the front door. I can hear him calling my name behind me, but it's easy to ignore.

I deserve this. I let them all die, when I knew it was coming. I had convinced myself that my knowledge was a gift, that I must've kept my memories of Before for a reason. Instead, all I've done is watch everything fall apart again, and all I've gained is a more intimate viewing platform.

I deserve this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it was brought to my attention that a lot of people not familiar with mental illness might find the confrontation with Naruto jarring and out of place. Essentially, a combination of guilt and a drawn out panic attack accumulated into Hiroka sabotaging her friendship with Naruto. It wasn't preplanned or thought out in any way, and she knows rationally that it doesn't make sense to do that. While she tries to justify it to herself by claiming it's safer for him to stay away from her, what's really happening is that she's punishing herself by ruining things that make her happy, aka, Naruto's friendship.


	8. Academy Arc: The Blade of a Teacher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, sorry it's been so long since I posted! This chapter gave me a lot of trouble. Hopefully it's worth the wait. Thank you for all the sweet comments, they really helped me power through. Enjoy. [:

The next couple of months are a blur. I hold onto my steady position at the very bottom of my rankings. Iruka-sensei continues to give me painfully concerned looks, and I continue to ignore them. I manage to avoid Naruto and Sasuke, and both Sakura and Ino give up on trying to talk to me after a couple of weeks. Shino and Shikamaru are really the only people in class who continue to be a presence in my life, and only because they are both smart enough to know that trying to talk to me about my admittedly self destructive spiral would only cause more conflict.

So of course, Shikamaru is also smart enough to go to the people who I can't avoid.

I get home on a Friday, and see that not only are Raidou and Genma both home, they are sitting at the kitchen table along with Hayate and Yugao. They are all looking at me with a concerned expression, and I feel an overwhelming urge to turn and flee. Instead, I step close, clenching my jaw in a slightly defiant gesture. 

"What is this, an intervention?" I ask. I expect them to deny it, maybe open up with the classic 'We're worried about you.'

"Yes," Hayate says, without any hesitation. I flinch in reaction, and look down at the floor. Or, I suppose they will refuse to pull any punches and just be extremely blunt about it. That works too.

I hate that I've disappointed them, _worried_ them, but I don't know what to say to make any of this better. It's not like I'm oblivious to the fact that I've been actively sabotaging my life, but it's a necessary punishment. I'm not so blind as to realize that no one else is likely to agree with me, if I were to confide exactly why I feel as if I am at fault. I don't expect them to understand, mainly because I myself don't really understand it. It's not like I could go up against Itachi, or Danzo, or Uchiha fucking Madara. Not at my age, maybe not ever without a large amount of backup. Still though, I could've done more than push it from my mind so thoroughly it came as a surprise.

"Sit down, please," Raidou says, and I wince because it's mission Raidou's voice, meaning he was upset enough to force himself into that headspace. He once confided in me that he likes to keep that part of him separate from home, said it kept him from drowning in guilt and self doubt. The fact that he was willing to bring it home for this means that it's serious.

I sit down.

"You're teachers have expressed concern over your grades," Raidou says, "And I heard you've been isolating yourself from your classmates." Shikamaru, that little snitch.

I'm angry for all of five seconds before the guilt wells up instead. I have people that care about me here, and I haven't been repaying it very well. I know for a fact Shikamaru is aware that he would probably piss me off by talking to Raidou about my issues at school, and he did it anyway.

"I should've noticed something was wrong," Raidou says a moment later, his voice cracking slightly as if he's holding off tears. The fact that he apparently is too upset to even hold onto his Mission Mask for any length of time is a little overwhelming. My eyes widen in alarm, and Genma is side eyeing him worriedly. 

"No!" I blurt out, almost getting out of my chair with a kneejerk reaction to ward off his thoughts. "I went out of my way to act normal at home. It's not your fault."

"So you willfully deceived us?" Genma asks, and everyone seems to zero in on that.

"So, you went out of your way to destroy your grades?" Yugao asks, and she looks so hopelessly confused, and even a little bit hurt. "Why? Did someone say something to you?" 

Wait, what? Why would- Oh. Did she think I was doing this because someone was, what, mean to me? That seems dumb. It's not like I can tell them the real reason, of course. Which means I'm going to have to make something up that's a good enough lie to get past four ANBU level guardians. 

"You know that you aren't any less than them just because you weren't born here in Konoha, right?" Yugao says, earnest in all the best ways. 

I apparently just got handed a lie on a silver platter, so small mercies for that. I had heard the occasional whisper about that. Idiot kids thinking that I must be a spy or something, which is total BS, and I never really took any of that to heart. It definitely plays the part of a good legitimate reason for me to go off the deep end.

Maybe they'll even get off my case about it, and let me wallow in peace.

"What I want to know," Hayate says, his voice soft and, shit, _disappointed_ as he looks me in the eye, "Is why you put all that effort into convincing me to teach you the art of the sword, and then spit on the skills necessary for it."

Oh.

Ouch.

That, fuck, that really hurt. I had been pretty much paving the way straight to the kenjutsu specialization, focused intently on that as my go to in combat. Hayate had straight up told me that if I did my absolute best in class, he would start teaching me on my eighth birthday.

Which is coming up in a few weeks. 

So not only did I sabotage my grades at all, I also sabotaged my promise with Hayate in the last few months leading up to his end of the deal.

I'm a shitty person.

I already knew this, of course, but usually when I go off the deep end it doesn't affect anyone else. I forgot to take into account that Before, there wasn't anyone to disappoint. Here, I haven't actually accomplished anything other than hurting all the people who actually seem to care about me.

"I..." I try to say something, an explanation, _something._ I did it because I screwed up, I let Sasuke lose his family even though I had foreknowledge of it all.

Sasuke. Sasuke who actually had friends this time around to help him through. I was one of those friends, and I dropped him and Naruto like hot potatoes the minute I was reminded how fucked up this world is.

"I'm sorry," I say, and am slightly bewildered to find that I mean it for a lot more than the grades. Shit, I have a lot of apologizing to do. "I was... I didn't..." I trail off and clear my throat, before carefully looking up and meeting their eyes each in turn. "I understand now. I'll do better."

Raidou and Yugao both relax a little, clearly relieved. Genma is still watching me with a slightly calculated look, but doesn't say anything else. Hayate coughs once, clears his throat, and pins me down with a pointed look.

"I want to teach you," Hayate says. "Show me that you want to be taught."

"I will," I say, a little desperately. Hayate nods, before leaning back in his chair. Raidou glances at the others as if gauging the mood of the room before suddenly he's no longer mission Raidou. He smiles at me, sad and hopeful and so, so, kind all at once.

"Well then, good talk. Dismissed," he says. I immediately bolt out of my chair and head for my room. I have a lot of thinking to do, and also probably some apology speeches to rehearse. And I know just who needs to be at the top of the list.

* * *

The Nara clan grounds consist of sprawling forest, stretched out until some of the trunks grow right up alongside the wall that wraps around Konoha. Set in the part closest to the center of the village is a large block of homes. Unlike some of the other clan compounds, each Nara home has its own section of land, and quite a few of the homes are off center. It gives the entire place a very welcoming and peaceful vibe, as opposed to the rigid structure of the straight rows of houses that make up the Hyuuga and Uchiha clan compounds.

The house belonging to the clan head sits in the vague center of the cluster of buildings, rising slightly above all the other homes. It somehow manages to pull off the 'I'm both intimidating and welcoming' vibe with ease, and I find myself almost irrationally jealous of a house.

I say that, but really my nerves are just getting to me.

Before I can even really process my walk through the grounds, I'm standing in front of the house, and Shikaku is opening the door before I can even knock.

"Oh, Shikaku-san," I say in surprise, and then I blink at the stupidity. Of course there was a chance Shikaku would be here, this is his house after all.

"Hiroka, right?" Shikaku says, as if he doesn't know exactly who I am. Hah! I don't believe that for a second, but I'm not about to call him out on it. Instead I just nod.

"Yes. I was hoping to talk to Shikamaru...?" I say, though it turns into a question at the end. Shikaku just sort of looks at me for a second, and I have to remind myself that it's the Yamanaka clan that can do the whole mind reading thing, and Shikaku isn't one. After an awkward moment of silence, Shikaku nods and steps back, gesturing for me to join him.

"Come on in, I'll get him," he says, and then leaves me waiting awkwardly in the family room. I run the words of apology through my head while I wait. I've been working on what needs to be said, without it being too... Something. I'm bad at this, alright?

After a few minute, I feel Shikamaru's chakra flair up a little bit before ebbing back. I've noticed that when he sleeps, he subconsciously suppresses his chakra.

Which is weird, because for almost anyone else, sleeping is when it's most difficult to suppress it.

Naras.

"I'm an idiot," I say as soon as Shikamaru steps into the room. 

Well, so much for that well said apology.

He sighs and runs a hand over his head, muttering what I'm pretty sure is the word troublesome, and then shakes his head.

"No, you aren't," he says. "That's why I said something. Out of character and all that." He is very carefully not making eye contact, though I can't tell if that's because he's really bad at the whole sentimentality thing or if he's expecting me to be pissed over him narking on me.

To be fair, I was angry at him for that, though only for about a minute. It was the right call, and I'm not petty enough to be in denial about that.

"Sorry," I say, aware that 'sorry' is about to become the most used word in my vocabulary. To be fair, I apparently need to say it to quite a few people.

Shikamaru shrugs. "It's whatever. We alright?"

"Yeah," I say, and that's that. Not every apology is going to be easy, which might be part of why I made Shikamaru first on the list. Naruto is going to take more of an explanation, and I don't even know if Sasuke will bother to hear me out. 

At least Shino won't expect an apology. 

"Shogi?" Shikamaru asks. After a moment of indecision I nod and follow him out to the back terrace, where he and his father keep the board set up.

"This is my real punishment, isn't it?" I say with a sigh. Shikamaru just smirks, and I accept my fate.

He doesn't seem bothered by the fact that I'm not even close to a challenge.

* * *

Two weeks after my apology with Shikamaru and I still haven't approached either Naruto or Sasuke, though I've stopped tanking my grades. The first time Iruka-sensei hands back graded work after the awkward intervention in my kitchen, he has a soft smile on his face. Despite that, I still haven't worked up the courage to talk to the people who actually need to be talked to.

I'm a coward, what can I say?

I spend most of my days working on getting my grades back up and trying to prove to Hayate that I am in fact serious about kenjutsu. I tell myself that this is important, that being friends with Naruto and Sasuke won't matter if I don't even get placed on the same team as them, but I know how much I'm procrastinating.

I'm in my room playing shogi against myself. Shikamaru doesn't even have to remotely try to completely destroy me, and even though it will be unfair to compare my own intelligence against a certified genius, at the moment it is ridiculous how easy he beats me. He's only seven, for crying out loud. My brain made it through twenty-three years before this whole rebirth thing, I should be able to keep up with a seven year old.

The point is, I'm trying to get better at the whole strategy thing, because as far as I'm aware, both Naruto and Sasuke's favorite strategy is 'hit them really, really hard."

That's not always going to fly, obviously, and so I torture myself with this annoyingly difficult game.

I feel Raidou's chakra before I hear him, and I call out for him to open the door before he even manages to knock. The door opens and he's standing there with a strange expression on his face that is gone before I can even try to decipher it. 

"What's up?" I ask, glancing at him briefly before returning my attention back to the matter at hand.

"I have a shift this evening," he says, "I wanted to see if you wanted me to make you dinner before I head out."

"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks, Dad," I say absentmindedly, still occupied by the shogi board. When Raidou's chakra signature flairs up and he doesn't move, I look up at him in confusion. He's staring at me and looking a little shell shocked, and I suddenly realize what I said.

"Um," I say, and I am mortified to realize I'm turning red. It's the first time I've referred to Raidou as my father, out loud at least. He had never made a comment about it or seemed upset, but seeing the completely undisguised joy in his eyes, I'm starting to think maybe he thought I didn't acknowledge the fact that we are family.

Now I feel like a bit of a jerk for not realizing earlier how much something so simple could mean so much to Raidou.

"Well," I say, desperately trying to avoid any awkwardness, and mostly failing completely, "I mean, you are. That's ok to call you, right?" I'm pretty sure I didn't misread the look on his face, but an insecure kid can check, ok?

"What? Oh, yes, of course!" Raidou says, equally as awkward, and I spare another moment for the baffling difference between Dad Raidou and Mission Raidou. "I mean, I'm really happy, actually."

"Oh, well... Good then," I say, and immediately turn back to the board, suddenly incredibly interested in my next move. After a moment of hesitation, I can sense Raidou leave.

I can't help the small smile that crosses my face.

* * *

I corner Naruto after class, because I've never been to his place. I suspect he doesn't want to run the risk of me pitying him or something, so I haven't pushed. But because I can't show up on his doorstep like I did with Shikamaru, I have to find another way. Naruto has actually been spending most of his days in class with Sasuke, and Sasuke hasn't even snapped at him yet. It actually kind of pisses me off if I think on it too hard. If all it takes to keep Sasuke out of some spiral of hatred towards everyone around him is a single friend, then people are super shitty. 

Seriously? He's been traumatized and orphaned and yet not one adult has bothered to keep up with him? The stupid girls in the class all think his tragedy is some kind of allure, and most of the other guys in the class are still focusing on the Uchiha part of him.

Anyway, Naruto allows himself to be dragged off to the side pretty easily, and I'm starting to realize that Naruto is way more perceptive than anyone ever gave him credit before, because I'm almost entirely certain that he goes out of his way to walk slow enough I can grab him without causing a scene.

We end up in an empty classroom, and when the door swings shut behind us it feels ominous. Naruto is watching me with a wary look, and I feel sick knowing that it's my fault he has that look on his face. I thought I was doing the right thing when I pushed him away, but I'm realizing now that I had just fallen into the same habits as I did in my past life. The difference is that here there are people who actually care what happens to me, who are actually hurt when I push them away.

I take a few deep breaths, trying to get the words I need to say out without being sick. Naruto waits surprisingly patiently for me to talk first.

"I'm really sorry," I finally blurt out. Naruto looks surprised, and opens his mouth to reply, but I quickly continue, "I was being really dumb. I was scared and I thought I was doing the right thing, but I only hurt you. I should've figured it out earlier. So, I'm sorry." I finish my dumb speech awkwardly, and it doesn't feel enough, except now Naruto is looking really worried and he's reaching out to grab my hand.

"It's ok, Hiroka-chan," Naruto says, and somehow, it sounds entirely sincere. It shouldn't be this easy. "I was just worried about you. You looked so sad all the time! I wanted to say something, but Sasuke said we needed to let you figure it out yourself. And I didn't want to fight with him, you know? I mean, not right now, that would be too mean, not even _Sasuke_ deserves that so I agreed, but then you didn't come talk to us so I thought maybe..." Naruto dissolves into babbling and I manage to get the gist of it before I reach out and place my hand over his mouth.

"Naruto, breathe," I say. He takes an obnoxiously exaggerated breath before nodding to let me know he's calmer. I pull my hand away and just look at him for a moment, processing. Naruto was more worried about me than about me being to him? Actually, that isn't as surprising as it should be. I have to remember that in another time, Naruto could be allowing himself to be thrown around by mass murderers while crying for them.

What is surprising is that Sasuke apparently decided to go out of his way to keep Naruto from pushing me before I was ready to talk, even while dealing with his own grief. I'm starting to really lean towards the theory that his lack of support directly after the massacre was a major deciding factor in the messed up way he handled everything Before. I have to push down the irrational flare of hatred for the Hokage. He might have made some choices, and might be willing to look the other way a little too often, but the one who really deserves my rage is Danzo. 

Danzo, who is easily one of the worst people to ever exist. Right at this moment, when my biggest worries are apologizing for being a jerk, there are young kids being forced to kill each other. I take a deep breath, looking Naruto in the eyes. He still looks so worried, and I hate that I put that look there.

I'm not even fully aware that I've moved until my arms are around Naruto and I'm hugging him almost desperately.

"Uh... Hiroka-chan? Are you okay?" Naruto asks, even as his arms reflexively wrap around me. I'm a little horrified to realize that there are tears in my eyes.

"You know that you and Sasuke are my best friends, right Naruto?" I say. His arms tighten and his voice suddenly goes up in volume.

"Yah! You're my best friend, too, Hiroka-chan!"

* * *

When I wake up, it's to Genma slamming open my door with a very loud, "Happy birthday, kid!"

I'm so startled I fall out of my bed, and Genma starts cackling. He's distracted enough that he doesn't have the time to dodge the pillow I throw at his face. It hits him dead on, and he stops laughing with a quite "oof". I drag myself to my feet, flustered. It's usually not that easy to get the drop on me, what with the chakra sensing thing.

I glare at him, but it doesn't last long. He drops the pillow on my bed and grins.

"Alright kid, we got plans for you today, so get ready." He leaves before I can ask any questions about these plans, so I quickly get ready, only slightly worried that it might have been Genma who decided what we are going to be doing today.

When I meet Genma in the kitchen, he has a slightly more serious look on his face.

"We have to meet with the Hokage this morning," he says. He doesn't sound worried about it, but there is still something about his chakra that causes my guard to go up.

"Am I in trouble?" I ask, because the Hokage hasn't asked to speak to me since Raidou officially took custody of me. Genma quickly shakes his head.

"Nah, he just has to talk to you. The quicker we get this done, the quicker we can get to the fun part of the day," he says.

Well, it could be worse, I suppose. It doesn't take us long to get to the Hokage's office, but when we get there, we are told to wait.

Standing outside the Hokage's office and playing the waiting game is not exactly how I had planned to spend my birthday. To be fair, I didn't exactly have any other plans, but I had thought about going to hang out with Shikamaru at least. I still haven't gotten around to trying to apologize to Sasuke yet, and Naruto is basically glued to him by the hip, so my options are pretty limited until I get up my courage.

Genma is leaning against the wall beside me, his eyes trailing back and forth down the hallway, as if he is half expecting an enemy to appear. He seems determined not to meet my eye or tell me why we're here, so I lean back against the wall as well, mimicking Genma's position.

We wait there together for close to fifteen minutes before the door to the Hokage's office opens. Iwashi, one of the other members of the Hokage's Guard, steps out with a small smile, stepping out of the way. "Hokage-sama is waiting for you, Genma," he says, and nods to us both before taking up a position right by the door.

"Come on, kid," Genma says, and I follow him into the room. I immediately notice that the room is empty save for the Hokage himself and a single ANBU operative who's chakra signature instantly confirms him to be Tenzou. I stiffen my spine slightly, unsure how to react. This feels all too cloak and dagger to be anything other than something remarkably bad, but I can't think of I might've done to get any sort of negative treatment. Genma has been perhaps more serious than he normally would be while not on mission, but he hasn't seemed angry at me or anything, so the idea of me being accused of being a spy or something is slim.

Unless someone figured out that I'm not exactly a normal child, even by this world's standards? But no, if that were true, Inoichi would likely be here.

I'm starting to work myself up into a panic attack, wondering what exactly I'm doing here, when the Hokage finally speaks.

"Do you know who this is?" the Hokage asks, gesturing to Tenzou. I simultaneously relax and stiffen at the question. I'm unsure if it's a trick question or not. Should I be honest? Will they know if I'm lying? Am I in trouble for knowing? Tenzou has a very specific chakra signature that isn't something that could ever be confused with anyone else. At least, I'm assuming. The First Hokage might have had a similar signature, at least. 

"He's, one of the team who found me, isn't he?" I say after a moment, deciding on honesty. Well, partial honesty at least. There is no reason for me to know his name or anything. The Hokage smiles and nods, and I relax slightly, knowing that at least I seemed to have picked the right answer. Despite this, Genma has actually tensed slightly, and after a moment, I wonder if it's because he is realizing that I've always known that he was part of the squad to find me. We never talked about it, but it never really seemed like anything we needed to discuss anyway. Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, I'm starting to think maybe it was a discussion we needed to have.

"Yes," the Hokage says, and then hesitates. "You are able to recognize someone whether or not they are in uniform." It's worded like a question, but is definitely more of a statement. Nevertheless, I nod, starting to realize why I'm here. 

"You understand, of course, the importance of keeping the identities of ANBU a secret," he continues. I do, even though it's an open secret really. The true identity importance is who is wearing what mask, rather than who is in ANBU itself. But even if everyone knows about it, it's not meant to be discussed. The fact that I know everyone's mask within the organization is a little more of a problem.

"Of course," I say. "I would never tell anyone, I would never betray them or put them in danger." The Hokage is watching me with a very neutral expression on his face, and I obviously can't see Tenzou's face, but Genma has a soft smile on his face, as if the my words were expected and welcomed. Maybe they are, I mean, I'm pretty obvious about my affection for my family. And considering all of the adults currently in my life are in fact ANBU, well. Why would I ever put them at risk?

And then the Hokage says, "Good," and pulls out a scroll. 

The next few minutes basically boils down to having me sign a contract that says I can know the identities of all members of ANBU and that I understand that it's treason to tell anyone else their identities etc,etc. Genma is way more relaxed than he had been at the start of all this, so I'm guessing no one bothered to explain this to him either. Thankfully, while I didn't exactly expect the whole contract thing, I had been prepared for some sort of assurance regarding my knowledge of ANBU, and really, it's no hardship to secure my loyalty or whatever.

I do get surprised when directly after signing the scroll, the Hokage nods to Tenzou, who then proceeds to _take off his mask._

I try not to show my surprise, and admittedly, fear, but it doesn't seem like I'm successful because Tenzou smiles cautiously at me.

"Hello, Hiroka," he says. "My name is Tenzou. I admit that I'm glad to see you've been doing well." This is... This is both a test and a show of trust. This is the Hokage saying 'Your sensing abilities are not your fault, so here is a more comfortable justification for having you sign this.' 

Of course, this is also a threat, because having hard visual confirmation on who people are behind the mask means murdering a child for treason is suddenly more acceptable.

Ah, Militarism. 

I'm able to swallow down my shock and fear enough for a proper response. "Hello, Tenzou-san. It's an honor to meet you." Which is true, really. He had been one of my favorites, Before, and even now there's a look in his eyes that causes me to feel eternally grateful that Danzo hadn't been able to completely destroy him as a kid.

The rest of the meeting is quick and, admittedly, boring, and basically boils down to a bunch of bureaucratic slang for 'keep your head down and your mouth shut, and be careful not to refer to members by name when in uniform.' All in all, it's pretty standard stuff, and as cool as it is to finally really meet Tenzou, I can't help the half gasp of relief that escapes as soon as Genma and I leave the Hokage Tower.

"That wasn't so bad," Genma says as we head back to the house. It sounds like he's mostly reassuring himself so I don't dispute the claim. It isn't completely untrue anyway. The worst part of this is that my freaky chakra sensing abilities are definitely on file, and there is absolutely no way Danzo hasn't seen them. I can only be grateful that I'm not the most unique person in this village.

We are about halfway home when I finally mention my revelation in the office. "I always knew you were one of the ones who found me," I say. Genma glances over at me before seeming to find something extremely interesting at a fixed point down the road. "I don't know if it upsets you that I know, or what... But you seemed upset about it or something..." He sighs, the senbon flicking back and forth almost aggravated.

"You don't even know, kid. When we sensed you... You pulled your chakra so close we thought you were dead... And we saw you..." he trails off, glancing over at me again, as if reassuring himself that I really am alive and well. "You were really messed up. After you were discharged, you were like another person. I guess I just... Don't like the idea of being a constant reminder of that day for you." I suck in a breath and hold it, staring at Genma in shock. I never realized the effect that day might've had on him. How has he been holding that in all this time?

I hesitate for a moment before reaching out and taking his hand. He looks over at me in slight surprise.

"You're a reminder that I was saved that day," I say. Genma huffs out a sigh and squeezes my hand tightly for a second before letting it go.

Nothing else needs to be said, but there is a lightness in Genma's chakra that hadn't been there before.

By the time we get home, it's already midday, and I am hoping to actually enjoy the rest of my birthday, or at least relax for it. My hopes are dashed when Genma stops me from entering the house.

"There's a present waiting for you out back, kid," he says, and shoos me off the porch, forcing me to go around the house. What kind of present couldn't be kept inside?

A loud thunk as something wooden hits the ground jolts me out of my thoughts, and I glance up just in time to see a bokken roll to a stop at my feet.

"Pick it up," Hayate says, startling me. I hadn't even noticed him, but now that I do, I see that he is holding a bokken of his own loosely in one hand. I hesitantly reach down and pick up the wooden sword. It hasn't really registered yet what this means. 

"Hayate... Are you?" I start to say, still in slight disbelief.

"When I am teaching you, you will refer to me as Shishou," Hayate interupts before I can stumble over my words any further. I blink up at him, before breaking out into a smile. "We start with the basics," he continues, pausing to cough into his hand. "Correct stances and forms, the correct way to balance a blade. You won't actually be sparring for a while yet." I can't tell if he's trying to discourage me or not, though I think this is more to gage how dedicated I am to specializing in kenjutsu. "Do you understand?" he asks me. I glance at the bokken still held in my hand, before I tighten my grip on it and look up to meet Hayate's eyes.

"Yes, Shishou!"

* * *

It takes longer than I care to admit to get up the courage to talk to Sasuke again. It's not like I can go up and let him know that I knew this would happen, and that was why I was screwing myself over. No, instead I just come across as a flaky friend who runs away when drama occurs. The worst part of all of this is it seems that Sasuke is waiting patiently for me to talk to him. He still spends most of his time with Naruto, and obviously Naruto can't shut up about how we are the best of friends again. 

I fear that Sasuke is offended by the fact that I haven't tried to revive our 'best of friends' title as well.

Does he hate me?

But no, that's not right, because during the time I've been avoiding him, whenever we accidentally catch each other's eye, he nods his head in respectful acknowledgement.

It is almost infuriating how seemingly alright he is with my tantrum.

Eventually though, I finally get my shit together and build up some false courage long enough to call out to him when Iruka-sensei calls a break for lunch hour. Sasuke amicably follows me to one of the more out of the hallways, and then patiently stands there and waits for me to talk.

Instead I take a minute to observe the differences in him.

His eyes are harder than they were the last time I spent any time with him, almost how I expect they would've seen in the version of him from Before, but upon closer inspection I noted that there is still some warmth there. No, a fire, burning.

I can only hope that it won't rage out of control.

Of course, the minute I finally open my mouth to talk, my false bravery falters, and I am suddenly alarmed to note that tears begin to slip down my cheek. I rapidly blink, but it doesn't do much more than cause the tears to fall more rapidly.

"I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry," I cry, and Sasuke carefully wraps one arm around my shoulder. I can't tell him all what I'm sorry for, that I knew and couldn't stop it, or that I knew how much pain he felt and I still avoided him. I can't say all of the reasons I lay awake at night, and how most of them revolve around all of the possibilities of Sasuke's future. I can't tell him that he has become one of my best friends, and I am willfully putting myself in a position to manipulate him, even if it's with good intentions.

I can't say any of these things, so I just continue to apologize. Sasuke doesn't say it's okay, because it isn't. He doesn't say 'I forgive you', and I don't know if it's because he hasn't forgiven me or if he thinks I don't need to be forgiven. 

Instead, he says, "I'm going to kill him."

He's still holding onto me as he says it, and I don't even flinch. I've always known he would make this decision, though I hadn't expected him to make the declaration quite so soon. I can't help but hold him tighter.

"I know," I say quietly. "I'm going to help you." 

The words feel like a contract, a heavy promise that can't be broken now that they've been spoken aloud. I don't mind. From an unbiased point of view I can cry over the man Itachi could have been if Danzo and Fugaku hadn't used him as the rope in a brutal game of tug o war, but the constant taunting of Sasuke that is sure to happen is all on him. If Sasuke wants to kill him, we will kill him.

Sasuke clears his throat and finally pulls away from our hug. "Good," he says, as if he knew that was always the plan and I was just confirming it. I don't miss the fierce look that crosses his eyes. It chills me. It's a reminder of the Sasuke that had become one of the villains, Before.

I am determined not to allow that to happen, here.

* * *

Sarutobi Asuma is standing outside the front door.

I don't actually immediately realize that the person awkwardly hovering on the front porch is in fact Asuma, of course. Rather, I'm in the middle of doing homework when I feel the presence of a new chakra signature. It feels almost like ash, or reaching out and holding a cooling piece of coal. When I slip out to look and see who that chakra signature belongs to, I don't really find myself surprised.

It's almost comical how literal people's chakra signature sometimes end up being.

After a moment of hesitation, I open the front door. I'm the only one home at the moment, and I'm really bad at the whole, talking normal to people I don't know thing, but it seems like it would be pretty cruel to leave the guy just standing there until Raidou gets home or whatever. Once I get a good look at his face, I'm even less inclined to leave him alone out here, because he looks...

Well, he looks like he just fought and killed a bunch of people he once fought beside and made his way home only to realize a lot of shit had gone down here too.

As far as I'm aware, this is the first time Asuma has been in the village since I've arrived. At least, I've never seen him around before, and it fits the timeline of him having been off with the Twelve Guardians. Sure enough, the tell tale sash that was his signature in the show is tied around his waist.

"Um, can I help you?" I ask after a moment. Even though Asuma is on my list of 'people to keep alive in this version of events,' he's still a new person, and I'm not even sure what he's doing here, and overall that just makes things awkward. Luckily I'm not immediately bowled over with overlaying visions of his death like the first time I met Hayate, but that doesn't really do anything for me other than avoid another panic attack.

"Uh," Asuma says, "Raidou still lives here, right?" He sounds a little confused, and I'm almost certain he's thinking that I'm too old to have shown up and grown up while he was gone. Because I'm not so secretly a little shit, and because I've apparently been spending too much time around Genma, I smile innocently up at him.

"You mean my dad?" I ask, "Yeah, of course. He should be home soon." I try not to laugh when Asuma mumbles something I can't quite make out and pulls out a cigarette.

Almost as if the timing had been planned, Raidou and Genma choose that moment to start making their way up the path to the house. When Raidou catches sight of Asuma, he has a visible moment of surprise, before his face morphs into something closer to relief. 

"Asuma?" he says, and Asuma turns to face them. "When did you get back?"

"About six hours ago," Asuma says, and I admit I hadn't anticipated that. Assuming he had to go let the Hokage know exactly what went down with the Twelve Guardians, that means that there's a good chance that Raidou is his first personal stop since getting back to the village. It's clear that Raidou understands the significance of that comment as well. He teasingly shoos me back through the front door, tossing a "feel free to join us" back at Asuma.

When the four of us are situated in the living room, a slightly awkward silence descends over the room. Asuma is still not so subtly glancing my way, and Raidou keeps looking at Asuma as if he can't quite believe he's really there. I hadn't realized they were so close.

Genma must see my confusion, because he's the first one to speak. "Asuma was one of Rai's genin teammates," he tells me.

And, oh. I feel like I might've known that, Before, but neither Raidou or Genma really talk about their old teams much. I had thought that maybe it was because they weren't very close to them, but that doesn't seem quite accurate anymore, all things considered.

"Oh," I say, after it becomes obvious they are expecting some kind of response. "That's really cool. How come I haven't seen you around before?" I wonder if he will talk about the Twelve Guardians. 

Based on the look he and Raidou share, it seems unlikely.

Sure enough, "I've been out of the village on assignment for awhile."

"Wow, that must've been a long mission," I say, mainly due to lack of anything else to respond with. Then I turn to Genma.

"Why haven't I met any of your team, Mama?" I ask. I had first referred to him as my mother a few weeks ago, and now I feel the need to do it constantly, if only to get the same hilarious reaction out of him. In response, his eye twitches hard enough to be called a spasm.

"Don't call me that, brat," he says with a mostly fake scowl, before he shrugs. "It's mostly for your benefit that you haven't met my old team. They are an... acquired taste." It takes me a minute before I remember that Genma's old team consisted of Maito Gai and Ebisu, and that...

Yeah it makes sense that he would keep me away from them, though if he still talks to them on an even semi-regular basis, I can't fathom what has possibly kept Gai from showing up and trying to inject me with the Power of Youth.

I turn back to Asuma and Raidou, who seem to have been having a silent conversation while Genma held my attention. Now Raidou looks to me with an almost guilty expression.

"Ahh, Hiroka, you don't mind going to your room for a bit? I'm sorry, it's just-"

"Super classified stuff?" I finish for him. I admit I'm a little disappointed I won't be able to hear much more about what went on with everything, but I understand the significance of keeping it all quiet.

"Yah, no problem. It was nice to meet you Asuma-san," I say, before getting up and heading to my room. I contemplate the benefits of trying to eavesdrop before dismissing the possibility. Too many elite ninja in the other room for me to feasibly get away with it.

Even though my meeting with Asuma was brief, I'm fairly certain it won't be the last time I see him before he becomes a Jounin Sensei. The past few weeks have been shaping up to be extremely altering to both my own life and the possible future. I'm now in a position where it makes sense for me to be close enough to people in danger of dying due to the Plot to potentially save them.

One can only hope I can be successful.

* * *

Surprisingly, it took almost no time at all to get my grades back up. I'm almost entirely sure Iruka-sensei has just been looking for justification to boost my grades back up, and my physical grades never really suffered at all. I never saw a reason to let my physical training go down the drain, considering the class rankings only truly took written grades into consideration. Which really puts things into perspective and makes way more sense on how Sakura managed to get the top female ranking Before. I mean, Sakura's nice and all, but the few times we have been paired up in spars I knocked her on her back in seconds. Considering my usual sparring partners are an overexcited bundle of concentrated chakra and an Uchiha, it was a bit of a letdown.

Regardless, it only took about three months after Hayate verbally bitch slapped me to get back to a more secure location in the rankings, and things had finally started to look to get back on track. 

Naruto and Sasuke are both talking to me again, and Sasuke doesn't even seem to be about to regress into a little ball of rage and murder.

It could be worse.

Admittedly, I don't realize exactly how much better I've been doing until Sasuke deems it necessary to point it out to me.

"I was starting to wonder if I needed to add tutoring in addition to our sparring sessions," Sasuke says from where he has come up to stand beside me. I've been standing in front of the board where the updated class rankings have recently been tacked up, but I've been hesitating to actually look at them. I study his face for any signs of lingering anger, but he seems genuine. Overall, Sasuke seems to have fallen into a more mature version of who he was before the massacre, at least around me. I hope that means our talk actually helped on some level. 

"What do you mean?" I ask eventually, when I realize there isn't anything to gain from analyzing his expression. He looks at me with an expression usually reserved for Naruto, the one that says 'don't be an idiot' without any words at all. I glance back at the board, and realize what he means. "Oh. Right. I guess I just... Needed to find my motivation again."

Sasuke doesn't respond to that, probably because he knows the feeling even better than I do. Instead he reaches out and grips my shoulder, almost too tight, as if he needs the reassurance. One thing I've noticed is that this Sasuke is a much more tactile person than I expected. Is that something he would've had regardless, or is that a quirk I'm responsible for? My head hurts just thinking about it.

"We still need to meet every day," Sasuke says, his voice deliberately casual. "To make sure you don't lose your motivation again." It's almost funny, I think, that Sasuke has to phrase his request as doing a favor to me. Because it is a request, that much is obvious, to me at least. He needs the familiarity of our spars. I also have a sneaking suspicion that it will also be a way for Sasuke to feel confident in my promise. He won't have any reason to doubt my strength to help him get his revenge if he trains me himself. I find myself nodding in response.

"Of course," I say easily. I think of my new training with Hayate, the newfound closeness with my dad and with Genma. I look up at my name, and I think about the very likely future it states. My hand reaches up to pat Sasuke's, before I pull away a bit and turn to look at him, my mind already stuck on a few years from now. "We should probably make sure Naruto can keep up too."

Sasuke smirks a little, and it feels real, rather than the fake smiles he has been showing for the teachers' benefits. "Wouldn't want that idiot to slow us down," he says, and it would sound cruel, if it wasn't for the slight affection in his tone. Anyone else would be unlikely to notice it. Something settles in my chest.

This time, they'll be a real team. I find myself staring back at the board, and correct myself.

_We'll_ be a real team.

* * *

(Omake)

I'm in the middle of practicing my calligraphy at the kitchen table when Genma walks into the room and throws himself down into the chair across from me. When I don't immediately give him the attention he obviously wants, he clears his throat rather dramatically. After he does it twice more, I sigh and drag my eyes up to glare at him. He smirks in response to my expression before schooling his face into an exaggerated pout.

"What," I ask, though it's very obviously spoken without a question mark.

The pout somehow deepens.

"So," he says, "Kenjutsu, huh?" He says it rather nonchalantly, but there's an undercurrent of something I don't quite understand, and I look at him in confusion.

"Yes," I say, "I mean, that's been the plan for years now. You know this." It's not like I didn't go out of my way to talk about my intentions all the time.

"Yeah," he agrees. "But you know, you could learn other things too." I start to tilt my head in confusion. I mean, obviously I would learn other things, ninjustu, and... Oh.

_Oh._

I had never realized before, but Raidou, Hayate, and Yugao are all Kenjutsu specialists. Genma is literally the only major adult influence in my life with a different specialty, and I hadn't even thought to ask him to teach me anything.

"Yeah?" I ask. "Do you have something to teach me, Genma?" Almost immediately a terrifyingly devious grin makes its way onto his face, which I take to mean a very loud yes. He pulls a vial out of his jacket pocket, and when I look at it I see that it is filled with a very suspicious colored liquid.

"Oh no," I say.

"Oh, yes," Genma says, way too excited.

* * *

Raidou gets home a few hours later and finds Genma and I in the kitchen, both slumped over. I wave at him when we make eye contact, but my movements are sluggish.

"Hey, Rai," Genma says, his words slurred. Raidou squints at him, before staring at me, and then immediately glaring at Genma again.

"Did you get our daughter drunk?!" it comes out as almost a shriek.

"Nah, 'course not," Genma says, waving his hand around in a vague pattern.

"I poisoned her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was laughing when I saw all the comments regarding an intervention, because that first scene had been written for a while. Hopefully her 'recovery' doesn't seem too abrupt, I was basing it off of my own experience. 
> 
> I had a question for you guys regarding major archive warnings. Do you prefer major trigger warnings to be tagged from the start of the story? Or only when it becomes relevant to the story?
> 
> Next chapter is a time jump to graduation!


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